Decisions and Desires
by ladybrit
Summary: The Long Branch Saloon, had a reputation for having the prettiest girls, the best whisky and the coldest beer. There was no problem attracting customers. As far as business went Miss Kitty Russell should be feeling very happy right now, but it wasn't business that was worrying her.
1. Chapter 1

August 2015

 **Decisions and Desires**

Prologue

Matt Dillon stood looking down at the shallow grave where he had just buried one of the most evil men he had ever known. The air had been still but out of nowhere he felt a cold wind blow across the prairie. It seemed to be accompanied by a maniacal laugh, almost as if, from beyond the grave, the murderer was mocking him. Matt knew it was his fault that five more people had died. He'd had Ronnie Pickens in his custody but allowed him to escape and murder yet again. Those deaths would forever be on his conscience. He turned away, still feeling the unusual chill in the air. It would be a long ride back to Dodge City.

Chapter One

 _Several weeks later_

Kitty Russell, owner of the Long Branch saloon, looked at the clock on the wall just before she climbed the stairs. It was almost 3.30 in the morning. Far too late for decent folks to still be up and around.

The last of the season's trail herds had arrived in town a few days ago and already most of those Texas cowboys had left and headed home. A few of them even had money left in their pockets.

For Kitty it had not been a good season. There had been nothing wrong with business. Cattle drives brought a lot of money into Dodge and the bars and saloons always profited more than most from the drovers being in town. The Long Branch, which had a reputation for having the prettiest girls, the best whisky and the coldest beer, had no problem attracting customers. As far as business went Miss Kitty Russell should be feeling very happy right now, but it wasn't business that was worrying her.

She climbed the staircase from the saloon to the upstairs landing then turned to the right towards her small suite of rooms which lay behind the curtain at the end of the hallway. As had been the case for much of the spring and summer months, those rooms were a quiet and lonely place. She closed the door, almost with a slam, and sat on the chaise to remove her shoes. Carefully she massaged her weary feet, thinking of other, stronger hands that had done that for her so many times before.

The empty bed glared at her and if Kitty Russell had been a woman prone to crying, tears would have been rolling down her cheeks. At first she thought it had all been her fault, but then reality had set in and she realized that it needed two people to make an argument. Actually "argument" was a polite word for what had happened.

Matt Dillon, the United States Marshal headquartered in Dodge City, and Kitty Russell, owner of the Long Branch Saloon, had had a long standing arrangement. It was so obvious that, although Dillon had denied it on many occasions, all the residents of the town and most of the drifters who passed through, had a good understanding of the situation between the two people.

This year almost twice as many cattle drives had arrived in Dodge than ever before. Of course all the store owners along Front Street were happy about that statistic, but for Dillon it had meant weeks of sleepless nights and hectic days. It had started with him spending two weeks on the Republican River tracking down a murderer by the name of Ronnie Pickens. He only just got home from that when he had to make three trips escorting prisoners to Hays and Topeka.

That alone had been enough to exhaust any man, but then the cattle drives started arriving. He rarely had time to stop by the Long Branch for more than a brief hello and the number of nights he had been able to spend in Kitty's company could be counted on the fingers of one hand. He had become irritable and quick to pick a fight. Even the trail hands who knew him from previous years had commented on the fact that the marshal had very little patience and was not the person they remembered.

It was a week ago when he returned from a trip to Wichita. He had been gone for 5 days to testify in a murder trial. The train journey seemed to have worn on him more than traveling by horseback. She figured that was because it brought him into close contact with other people and denied him the recuperative effects of being alone out there on the prairie.

She remembered her excitement on the evening he had returned. He came to the Long Branch all smiles and happy to be home. Two nights later everything had changed. He was being sent down to the Nations to find and arrest three men who had robbed a bank in Cimarron. They had escaped from the local jail, killing the sheriff and his deputy in the process and so far had eluded all efforts to recapture them.

"But Matt, can't you ask them to send someone else. You've only been back for 2 days. You've hardly been in town for the last 3 months and even when you are here you're busy keeping drunken cowhands from killing each other. You need a rest Matt, maybe a vacation, even Doc said you look sickly."

He had looked at her, as if noticing her for the first time.

"It's none of Doc's business." He looked more irritated than ever after that comment, and she thought for a moment he was about to turn and leave. He forced himself to take a breath and try to sound more reasonable.

"It's my job Kitty, I can't ask for someone else to do it. You know that."

"I know that you're worn out. You need a break. I've hardly seen you all summer."

"You know how it is, I told you years ago. This is my job."

"Well, what difference would a day or two make. Candy Johnson is getting married day after tomorrow and they're having a big celebration. I kind of thought we could go together. It would be a fun evening with food and dancing…."

"Stop. I told you long ago, Kitty, my job has to come first. There are 3 men wandering around down there who need to be in jail before they kill anyone else."

"But Matt.." she began, but he interrupted her before she could say anymore.

"No, I can't."

She could see an anger coming to his face. It was a look she had never seen before.

"Matt," she had tried to approach him, to touch him, to calm him down.

"Don't ask me again!"

She had never heard him raise his voice to her before and stood back unsure what to do.

"I've decided I'm going, so that's that."

"You are being unreasonable, and .. and .. pig headed." She was so hurt and taken back that she couldn't think of words to say.

He turned back to the door and placed one hand on the knob, with the other he slammed his hat on to his head.

"I don't know how long I'll be gone," were his parting words.

After the door slammed shut, she had thrown herself on the bed, punching the pillow in anger at herself and at the man she thought she knew better than anyone else in the world.

ooo000ooo

Kitty Russell had a stubborn streak almost as wide as the one Matt Dillon carried. She did not go down to the stable the next morning to see him leave. That turned out to be just as well because according to Moss Grimmick he had set out the night before. It must have been right after he left her. They had parted in anger, was the thought that sat uppermost in her mind.

At first she felt guilty, hoping he wouldn't be so distracted by the harsh words they had shared, that he would not be watchful. Then she felt angry. All those years ago she had stayed in Dodge on a whim after seeing the tall handsome marshal in Delmonico's. As time passed she thought they had become close, having reached a common understanding, but this summer things had changed. She knew he was overworked and tired much of the time. She also knew he missed Chester working around the office. Since his assistant had left he had a lot of extra things to do. Sure, he hired Louis to clean the place up every now and again and had even requested a temporary Deputy, but so far no one had shown up. That hill man Festus Hagen had been hanging around as well, but Matt still seemed a little unsure of him.

These last few months he came to her bed when he was in town and was not having to sleep at the jail, but sadly it had started to seem that that was all there was. He would come back to town and come to her room, or turn up at one o'clock in the morning, with one thing on his mind. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy his night time attentions but there had always been more to their relationship than that. She enjoyed just being with him, the occasional meals in Delmonico's and very rarely a fishing trip to Silver Creek, even chatting by the bar in the Long Branch. It had been months since any of those things had happened. Looking back on it she wondered if he still cared about her for anything except the bedroom.

ooo000ooo

There was one Texan still hanging around. His name was Arlo Johnson and he was trail boss for the Circle B. He had brought two herds to Dodge City that year, one at the very start of the season and now this one which arrived a few days ago and was the last. The man was approaching his fortieth birthday and planned to retire from a life on the trail and settle down. This had been a final push for him, and it meant he would have enough money to plan his future.

Like another man she knew, Johnson had never married. He said this was because he thought no good woman would put up with him being gone for at least three or four months every year. Now he had found a nice spread near the South Platte, and was looking around for some stock to start his own ranch. He was also looking for a wife although he had kept that intention to himself.

The first time she had met Arlo was three years ago when he brought a herd into town. He seemed to know Dillon, from previous times, but neither man was willing to discus how that acquaintance had come about. It had been Matt who introduced him to her.

Johnson was a rugged looking man. His green eyes always seemed to be focused somewhere in the distance, probably from spending so much time on the prairie. His brown hair was shaggy and a little too long when she had first seen him, but after a bath and a visit to Mr. Teeters she could see that the green eyes and brown hair complemented the weathered look of his face. He stood about six feet tall, well above the average cowboy, but still a half head shorter than the marshal.

The man returned to the Long Branch every year after driving at least 3000 head of beeves up from Texas. He was always pleasant to be around and kept his drovers in good order. He was known to be a good boss to work for and paid his men a little above the standard rate, but he let them know that they would work hard and not be hired back on the next drive if they didn't respect the law in town. He didn't want any trouble in Dodge City.

Dillon had had to leave just a day after that final trail herd arrived. He had been worried about being gone from town with the drovers being there, but this was the last herd coming in for the season and Arlo had assured him that his men would not cause trouble. The trail boss had even taken it upon himself to visit every saloon in town and inform the owners and barkeeps to call him if there was a problem with any of his crew and he would sort it out.

He had been true to his word and now with only two or three cowboys left in town, he spent much of his time in the Long Branch. Kitty had found him to be good company. He had a quick sense of humor and was easy to talk to. She had introduced him to the four girls she had working the floor these last few evenings. He talked with each of them and bought them a drink or two, but as the evening wore on he always found his way to where Kitty was sitting at a table or helping behind the bar.

He had watched her, dealing with drunken cowboys, crooked gamblers and pushy whisky drummers. She seemed always to be in control and well able to handle whatever saloon life threw at her. He had realized a year ago that he was strongly attracted to her, but at first he was concerned that Kitty Russell was already taken.

He had watched Dillon and could see there was a deep friendship between the marshal and the saloon owner, but he never saw anything to indicate more than that. He had even worked up nerve to ask him, one time, if there was anybody special in his life. Matt had given his usual response that a lawman had no business with personal relationships because the job was too chancy. Johnson figured that meant he could go ahead and court this fine lady.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 2

Sleep had eluded her and finally, just before daylight, she gave up trying. Slipping her arms into a long blue cotton robe and tying her hair back in a rough pony tail, she went downstairs to make a pot of coffee. Perhaps it was still early enough that she could drink at least one cup before the bar help arrived and opened the doors to Front Street, allowing the rest of the world to come inside. It seemed she had hardly seated herself at her usual table and poured the fresh hot liquid into a blue china cup when Clem unlocked the front door and entered. He was surprised to see his boss up so early.

"Good morning Miss Kitty! I don't often see you at this time of day."

"I couldn't sleep and got tired of laying there trying."

The barkeep went to hang up his coat, then came back and started pulling chairs from the tables where they had been stacked the night before. Kitty didn't even hear him as he continued to work. Her mind was still on trying to understand what had happened to her life.

Up until a few weeks ago she had truly believed that the man she loved returned those feelings and that one day, maybe somewhere in the distant future, he would give up that badge and they would make a home together. Now she was not so sure. Looking back she had seen a big change in him recently. She knew he was overworked, but that had often been the case in the past and he had never acted the way he did that ill fated night. She couldn't believe that all the feelings and good times they had shared could just be thrown away like that. Had he really just been using her like some kind of high class call girl? She really didn't think so but for this last month or so it had sure seemed like it. Maybe she should talk about it with Doc, he was the only person she could really discuss things like this with - even then it would be difficult.

She got up from the table and went upstairs to dress and get ready to face another day. She wished Matt would come back, she needed to talk with him and try and find out what was really going on. The problem was that, of late, talking to Matt Dillon had been a lot more difficult than usual.

It was an hour later before she descended the stairs for the second time that morning. There was one lone figure propping up the bar and talking to Clem. He turned as he heard her footsteps.

Arlo Johnson tilted his hat back on his head with his right hand and smiled at her in much the same way as someone else she knew. Or thought she knew - she corrected herself.

"I didn't think you'd be around this early, Kitty," he greeted her.

"Hi there Arlo," she replied as she walked over to him, a smile on her lips just like this was any other day.

"Maybe you'd let me take you to breakfast if you haven't eaten yet."

Kitty got invited to eat with all manner of men and thought nothing much about it.

"I'd love to. I think Clem can manage for an hour or so."

It was a little strange walking along Front Street with his hand at first on her elbow as he escorted her along, and then as they approached Delmonico's feeling a familiar light pressure in the small of her back as he ushered her inside.

They sat at a quiet table in the corner to the left of the door and after their order had been placed he leaned across the table and looked at her. She found those green eyes to be quite deep and searching.

"I asked you to eat with me so I could..., " he hesitated a moment looking for the right words. Of course she was used to that. He started his explanation again.

"I am going to buy a piece of land near the South Platt River, not to far from Colorado Springs." he continued, "I'm leaving on the Santa Fe tomorrow to finalize the deal."

For a moment she felt sad that he was leaving. He had been around a lot these last few days and she had enjoyed his easy company and all his cattle drive stories. It had also helped to distract her from the other events in her life.

"I'll be sorry to see you leave Arlo."

"The fact is Kitty I was going to ask if you would like to come with me."

He was studying the cup in front of him in great detail. Eventually he looked up, searching her face for a reaction.

"It would mean you being away from Dodge for a week and I know that might be a problem for you. On the other hand now that all the drovers have left, maybe you could manage it."

He smiled at her, part pleading, part laughing and a little embarrassed. He paused, giving her time to consider his proposition.

"I haven't had all that many business dealings with property in the past and I thought you wouldn't mind just looking over papers and things with me," he added

It seemed a strange request but on the other hand she hadn't had a vacation in a long time and Sam was well able to handle the Long Branch for a week. With Matt being gone and her having no idea when or to be honest, if, he would return, it would certainly help pass the time.

"Let me check with Sam and make sure he'll be around. Other than that I think I would love to take a trip on the Santa Fe."

ooo000ooo

The train journey turned out to be a lot more fun than she had expected. Arlo had everything planned to make it as easy for her as possible. He had a buggy come pick her and her bags up from the Long Branch and take them to the train. He had booked a small first class compartment for them and arranged for meals in the new dining car. Once or twice her mind had slipped back to wondering what Matt was doing, was he all right? Maybe he was heading home as she was heading west. Perhaps it might wake him up a little if she wasn't there waiting for him when he showed up.

They were eating supper in the dining car. White tablecloths and fine china accentuated the New Orleans style meal which had been accompanied by a very fine wine served in crystal glasses. She found herself very relaxed talking to this man she hardly knew. She had seen him come in off the trail looking weary and saddle worn but now he was dressed in a white shirt and string tie. He still wore jeans and boots but no gun belt, and best of all, no badge.

She studied his face while he explained his plan to purchase something like 500 acres of land, and start gathering a few beeves and horses. His eyes smiled softly as he described how he would establish a fine breeding herd, raising and training horses with a good bloodline. He didn't expect to make a fortune but thought he would be able to support a family in reasonable comfort. She was still watching his face when she felt his hand touching hers across the table. It was not an unpleasant sensation and she couldn't be sure that it had not been by accident. She looked at his hand as it rested now on the white tablecloth, just a few inches from her own. Definitely a calloused work hand, remarkably similar to another hand she was more familiar with. She wondered if this one could be as gentle and comforting while she tried to bring her mind back to what he was saying.

"I've found this fine Morgan stud at a ranch down on the Arkansas, not too far from Dodge City. If I buy this land I will go back and get him and a couple of breeding mares besides."

He had stopped for a moment while she was still studying their hands lying so close together on the table top.

"Kitty, did you hear me?"

She was pulled back to reality.

"I'm sorry. I did, but my mind was distracted for a moment."

"Are you worried about the Long Branch?"

She could have accepted that as an excuse, but felt that she should at least be honest with him.

"No Arlo, I was just wondering about a friend of mine, you remind me of him in many ways. Please forgive me."

"Nothing to forgive, I shouldn't talk so much about horses when I am in the company of a beautiful lady."

She laughed to herself at that, thinking that horses was a pretty innocent topic compared with many of the conversations she had had with men.

It was easy to be relaxed in Arlo's company. There were often periods of silence while both of them gazed out of the window, but it was not an uncomfortable silence, it was the silence of friends just enjoying each others quiet presence. When it came to evening they talked and laughed over a simple meal followed by a shot or two of Napoleon Brandy. Afterwards he had escorted her back to the compartment. He did not stay there himself, saying that he would find other arrangements, the whole compartment was hers for the night. She was grateful for that. Much as she had enjoyed his company, she was not sure that she was ready for anything more intimate. At the back of her mind, the man she had loved for so many years was still a presence to be dealt with.

The relentless rattle and sway of the train let her know that she was being carried farther and farther from Dodge City and all the friends she had there. Farther from the home she had known for many years now. She raised the window blind and by lowering the wick on the lamp she could look out and see the myriad of stars shining through a crystal clear night. Occasionally a cloud of smoke from the engine would obscure them from her sight, but she knew they remained hanging there just the same. It was something like that between her and Matt. Often times he was gone, removed from her sight by the miles between them, but she always knew he was still there, thinking about her and wanting to return. It had not been quite the same this time. Never before had she had doubts about his true feelings, but now it was as if that badge had taken total control over him.

She lowered the shade once more, shutting out the night sky and trying, at the same time, to clear those thoughts from her mind. She had deliberately brought a very modest night gown which she now laid out on the bed that had been made up for her then set about her night time routine of removing makeup from her face and brushing her hair. She knew sleep was not going to come easily, so did not try to hurry.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 3

There was one more sleepless night before they arrived in Colorado Springs where, before finalizing the purchase agreement, Arlo wanted to take Kitty to see the land he was going to buy. She had to admit that he did everything he could to please her. He hired a wagon and had it stocked with an ample picnic basket which even held several bottles of wine. She could not have planned it better herself.

They drove for almost two hours before he stopped at the top of a small rise. They could see down into a shallow valley through which flowed a small creek.

"This is beautiful," she commented, truly amazed at the green rolling vista in front of her.

She also had to admit that the air here was much sweeter than the stagnant Kansas air hanging over Dodge this time of year. She was still enjoying the scene when strong hands reached up to help her down from the wagon. He let her gently down to the ground and as she landed she could not help but notice the green eyes that shone from his permanently tanned face. The eyes were gentle and smiling in some way, always moving, focusing somewhere off in the distance. He had removed his hat and she noted that his straight brown hair was thinning a little at the temples, but there was still one lock that permanently hung forward over his forehead.

He had already taken a blanket from the wagon and was spreading it out on the ground, so she lifted the picnic basket from the back of the wagon and carried it over to join him.

"This is a perfect piece of land, Arlo. How on earth did you find it?"

"It was quite a few years ago, before I had even been on my first cattle drive. I was working for a man who owns many times this number of acres. He promised me if I came back this way someday he would sell it to me."

Kitty thought for a minute. She could tell that the man was excited about his future life, but knew he had brought her along to do more than help sign some papers. He was very likable and in a lot of ways reminded her of Matt. Maybe if it had been him she had met all those years ago, it would have worked out differently for her. Of course there was still time to change things.

Lunch was over and he helped her back onto the wagon seat.

"I want to show you where I plan to build my home." She thought he had almost said, 'our home' but couldn't be sure.

He drove a little way towards the upper end of the valley and stopped. He walked around to help her down, only this time, after setting her on the ground, he kept hold of her hand and led her to an almost level area that looked out across the whole property. He was excited, almost like a kid who had just landed his first catfish. He started describing how the house would be placed and how he planned a big kitchen with a pump over the sink and a great big fireplace in the far corner, so the whole family could sit around it in winter. He would add bedrooms as they needed, depending on how many children he was blessed with.

Kitty listened. His enthusiasm was infectious. She could almost see the ranch house herself. He was now describing the barn he would build with at least six stalls and a bunkhouse for the hired help. Long ago this was the life she had hoped for. She had had her fill of cities and the dust and dirt that went along with them. There had been many times when she had wanted to get away from all the Texas cowboys, drifters and crooked gamblers. Smoke filled saloons and the constant drone of out of tune pianos had lost their appeal. There was also the constant fear that the next gunshot fired would take away the one person she really loved. Someone who loved her or maybe that had all been in her imagination.

Here she could see a beautiful home, a man who never got called away to escort some prisoner somewhere, someone who would be home every evening. Maybe even a child or two could be in her future, she was still young enough for that. She could almost hear them, their voices echoing up along the valley from the creek below.

For a moment the man holding her hand had blue eyes and an infectious grin. The unruly dark hair was being ruffled into curls by the light breeze. She looked down from his face to the faded red shirt he almost always wore, and there, half covered by a well worn leather vest, was a metal star. It shone so brightly, eventually blinding out the vision in front of her. She realized she had been day dreaming and it all vanished as a voice called her back to the present.

"Kitty, Kitty…" there was a squeeze of her hand. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Arlo. I was just caught up in your dream for a moment."

He smiled. "I'd rather hoped you might be. I hate to leave but we have to head back to town now. There's not much of a road out here yet, so I want to get back before dark."

That night, after supper, he had escorted her back to her room. He stopped for a moment outside her door. There was no one on the landing and he gently slipped his arm around her waist.

"I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed being with you today Kitty. It made my future seem so perfect."

He leaned in and kissed her on the lips. Not a deep kiss, just a gentle sign of his affection. She didn't pull back or try to stop him. It felt warm and comfortable, she was tempted to pull him in closer, but something, or someone, stood in the way.

He stepped back and looked at her, "I hope I was not being too presumptuous. It's something I wanted to do all day."

He stood there looking at her for a moment, but she had no comment. He took a breath before continuing.

"I'll say good night now. The land office opens at nine o'clock tomorrow so I will come by and get you. We can have breakfast afterwards before getting the train back to Dodge."

She smiled and thanked him saying that she had enjoyed the day as well, then watched as he strode off down the hallway to his own room. He had a long stride, but his steps were even, unlike the man she loved who had suffered too many injuries that had resulted in his gait being a little off. How many more gunshots would there be? What would happen when Doc could no longer patch him back together in time for him to pin that badge back on and go out to risk it all again? Is that what she wanted to wait around for?

Kitty knew that sometime in the next day or so Arlo was going to ask her a question that, right now, she did not know how to answer. Once more she found herself lying awake trying to go over things in her mind. She needed someone to talk to - someone like Doc who could help her sort out her emotions.

Before they arrived at the land office the next morning Arlo told her he wanted to put her name on the deed as well as his own. She told him she couldn't allow that right now. It was too early to make such a permanent decision.

The deed was already made out and waiting when they arrived. Kitty read over the agreement with him, and it looked just fine. Of course she had only bought one piece of property in her whole life, thus was not much more experienced than Arlo in that sense. Fortunately at that time she had had Matt there to help her, and he had pointed out the things to watch for. She put that knowledge to use now.

The documents were signed and registered and the money exchanged hands. Arlo seemed happy and took her arm as they headed for the Santa Fe to carry them back to Dodge.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 4

Matt Dillon had left Kitty's room all riled up. He had never been that angry with her before and didn't know what came over him. All the same, he couldn't go back now. Come to think of it he had been yelling at a lot of people lately, including Doc who had been pestering him to drop by the office. Then there was Jonas who didn't have the right ammunition for his Henry rifle. Those kinds of things didn't usually upset him so much, but recently he just felt irritable and short tempered.

He knew there was no way he was going to get any sleep in his present mood so decided he would saddle his horse and set off towards the Nations. The outlaws he was to track had last been on Comanche land in the southwestern part of the territory. It was also where tribes from the Apache and Kiowa lived. None of them had reason to be friendly to a white lawman. Maybe he should have asked Quint to come along, but the blacksmith was someone else he had lost his temper with recently. He couldn't even remember what the argument had been about now, but at the time he just felt angry at everyone.

Right now all he wanted was to put Dodge City behind him. He didn't know why. He had never felt like this before, but he was pleased to be leaving, and the fewer people he met on the way the better.

That had been last night. He had headed south and ridden until it was too dark to see before stopping for a few hours. He rested a little but didn't sleep, at least he tried not to. There were visions that would come into his head if he closed his eyes for too long. Five people dead, one of them a young boy who breathed his last holding Dillon's hand. A whole family wiped out. He had to accept responsibility for their deaths and the scene haunted his mind. Eventually the images cleared, and he came to enough to realize he was soaked in sweat. Trying to shake off the effects of the night, he made a pot of coffee and drank two cups before being able to head out once more just as the first rays of dawn light were crossing the horizon to his left.

It was still well before noon when he began to feel rivers of sweat running down his back. The last of the summer heat must be getting to him. He removed his hat to wipe the moisture from his forehead before it ran into his eyes. There was a small creek ahead and he decided to stop for a while so his horse could drink, and he could splash the cold water on his own face. Maybe that would help keep those visions from coming back. The water turned out to be slightly warm but it did revive him a little, and the horse seemed to appreciate it.

He continued his ride until the sun was high in the sky. There wasn't much shade available. One small patch of tangled trees by the water was about all there was to see so he turned the buckskin towards it. Maybe both of them should rest a little during the hottest part of the day. They could continue later in the afternoon and ride on into the night. He untacked his horse and used the saddle for a back rest, clasping his hands behind his head. Dillon never really slept while he was on the trail, but over the years had learned to relax for a while to conserve his energy. Usually a half hour would keep him going for many miles.

He pulled his hat over his eyes, just to block out the glare of the sun for a few minutes. Strangely, he could hear someone coming towards him. He could see a woman in a dark blue riding skirt topped with a white shirt. As she came towards him he could see her red hair. She didn't talk to him, just stood there looking at him like she was considering something.

He called to her, "Kitty you shouldn't be out here alone!"

He watched as she moved around. Sometimes she would turn and walk away from him, but she would keep coming back. He begged her to come and sit by him, but she took no notice. He thought he could see a tear running down her cheek, he wanted to go to her but couldn't move.

"Kitty," he called again, "I didn't mean to hurt you, I don't know what came over me. I'll be back soon and everything will be fine. You know how it is. I've told you before."

She didn't seem to hear him. Finally she kept walking into the distance until he could no longer see her.

He had tried calling her name and as he did so he opened his eyes and pushed the hat back on his head. The daylight was almost gone. He must have been asleep — that had never happened to him before. It had seemed so real but he knew it wasn't. Kitty had been a vision in a dream, just like the other visions he'd been having. He managed to get to his feet and walk unsteadily to the stream. He pulled the old red bandana from his pocket and soaked it in the water before wiping it over his face and neck. Sweat was pouring from his forehead and for a few minutes he wondered if he had the strength to get up and go saddle the buckskin. He soaked the rag once more and squeezed it out on the back of his neck, letting the cool water run down his back beneath his shirt. It helped a little and with much effort he managed to stand.

Kitty stayed on his mind. He had seen her plain as day, but he knew she was not out here. Did it mean anything? Had something happened to her?

Somehow he gathered enough strength to get up on his horse and head south once more. He had a lot of time to make up because he must have slept for five or six hours. He had to admit he didn't feel that refreshed. In fact, his head hurt and all he really wanted was to lie down and sleep some more. At one point he had to catch himself. He had been leaning forward over the horse's neck and almost fell to the ground.

Using all his concentration he was able to keep heading south, but as time went on he knew something was wrong. He couldn't keep himself from falling asleep and he thought he had developed a fever. Doc had been on at him for the day or so he had been in Dodge, telling him he looked sick. Matt of course had denied it, just putting it down to the heavy work load he had carried for the previous three months and not having Chester to help him, but maybe Doc had been right.

He knew he couldn't stay seated on the horse much longer and looked around for a place to rest for a while. It was totally dark now and the only light came from a gibbous moon hanging in the sky to his right. The whole landscape consisted of light and dark shadows, his mind could not sort them out. He urged the horse forward, intending to camp at the next sheltered place he could find. For a moment he had no idea where he was, maybe Dodge City was just ahead. Kitty would be expecting him, maybe he could just sleep for a while until he felt a little stronger then he could make it home.

Home was a strange word. Did he have a home? A place of comfort and peace? A place where he could feel safe. Yes, it was just ahead, a few more miles and… there was thud that jarred his whole body and knocked all the air out of his lungs. Somewhere in the dark corners of his mind there was the realization that he had fallen from his horse. He was lying on the ground. He had to get up….but it was easier just to lie here. Water, he needed water, he needed to unsaddle the buckskin. He tried to force his body to move, there was pain but he pushed that aside and finally managed to stand. He found himself leaning heavily against the horse, holding tightly to the saddle horn, just trying to stay on his feet until his head cleared. Water would help.

With clumsy fingers he at last got the lid off of the canteen and took a swallow. He stood there a minute more, knowing that he had to find shelter, somewhere he could be safe for a while so he could sleep. He tried getting back into the saddle but didn't have the strength to swing himself up there. He settled instead for walking alongside the animal, one arm slung over its neck. His eyes would not cooperate, he couldn't focus. He chided himself to work harder at it. He couldn't stop out here in the open. He needed to make it just a little further. If he could find those killers he could head home. Home to Kitty. Home to where someone could make him feel better.

He stumbled to the ground again. Maybe he should just unsaddle the buckskin and turn him loose. No need for them both to die out here. People were coming towards him. There was shouting, then laughter. He was being dragged to his feet. Someone slapped him across the face. For a moment it cleared his head. There were three men standing in front of him, the faces were familiar. Somewhere in the recesses of his mind there as a wanted poster that matched them. He needed to arrest them, but they had taken his gun.

They pushed him up onto his horse so that he was lying across the saddle. They were moving, he should do something but it was too late. Darkness and pain filled his mind.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 5

The train ride back to Dodge City had been as comfortable as the outward journey. Kitty found herself talking to Arlo more and more. They laughed and joked about little things and even held hands across the table in the dining car. She tried to shut all images of Matt from her mind, at least for the time being. Arlo was a good man, he knew how to treat a lady and he had been wise with the money he had saved over the years. Just enjoy the present she kept telling herself, see where this goes.

ooo000oo

The first morning back in Dodge she ate breakfast alone. She had gotten used to waking up early these last few days and enjoyed the fresher air of morning. Surprisingly as she sat down with coffee cup in one hand she missed Arlo's company. He had ridden out to look at the stud he planned to buy and wouldn't be back till later that evening.

Kitty wanted to talk with someone. She knew no one could tell her what to do, but she just needed someone to explain things to. It would help her put her thoughts in order. There was a big decision coming and she knew she needed to be ready with some answers.

She had seen Doc walk by on the way to his office and decided to take him a little breakfast and maybe try to explain the situation she was in. The physician was always a good listener and that was what she needed right now.

ooo000oo

Adams was restocking his medical bag when she opened the door.

"Come on in Kitty. Are you sick or something?" He had turned to look at her with a clinical eye. "I don't usually see you up and around this early."

"No Curly, I thought I'd bring you some breakfast."

She began to unpack the small bag that contained bread and hard boiled eggs, then poured a cup of coffee to go with it.

"Come and sit down and eat, I need to talk with you a minute."

She had arranged the meal on his desk and as she spoke she indicated for him to sit in the chair in front of it. He understood that she wanted to discuss something important and had an idea what it was, so did as he was asked. He watched as she took a deep breath, presumably organizing her thoughts. He knew better than to interrupt her and started in on his breakfast.

"Doc, have you noticed anything different about Matt lately?"

He had his mouth full, which gave him an opportunity to think before answering that question. He chewed and swallowed.

"In what way?" he finally asked.

"Short tempered, angry, no patience, just not himself."

"He's been working too hard. It was a tough cattle drive season for him and on top of that he had five or six out-of-town trips. I'd say he is in need of at least a two week vacation."

"It's more than that. I've seen him overworked before, but he has never yelled at me like he did that night before he left. It was a side of him I had never seen before. There's something else Doc…"

She paused wondering if she should, or even could, explain what she had felt these last few weeks.

He stopped eating and looked at her. She had to turn away to avoid his eyes.

"It's like he only comes to me when… well when he needs me… as a woman. There's been something cold about him that was never there before. The friendship we've had all these years seems to have vanished."

Adams was wise enough to pick up on what she was saying without making her put it into more explicit words.

"I'll be honest with you, Kitty, I tried to get him to come see me just before he left on this latest mission. I thought he looked sick, but maybe it was just overwork."

There was silence for a few minutes.

"How was your trip Kitty?"

He was not exactly trying to change the subject, but was more perceptive than he let on. He knew that Kitty had gone to Colorado with Arlo Johnson and figured that was a big part of the reason for this conversation. He had noticed how the trail boss had been looking at her, and how her manner towards him had changed from one of simple acquaintance since their return to Dodge.

She didn't respond immediately. When she did, she didn't answer his question.

"He's a good man, Doc, a lot like Matt in many ways. There's no badge in his life. He simply wants to settle down now and have a home and a family."

Doc decided to come to the point.

"Do you love him Kitty?"

She had to think. "I could. At least I wouldn't have to compete with a piece of tin for his attention. If it weren't for Matt it would be only too easy. As it is I'm waiting around, wondering when, or if, he's going to come home." She paused and had to think before continuing.

"I guess I am afraid of missing out on the chance at a life I've always wanted. Six months ago I would not even have agreed to go on that trip with Arlo, but Matt seems to have changed, and now I'm not sure if he still has any feeling for me."

"I'm not going to advise you and I won't try to influence your decision. Matt is a good man, something has worn him down lately. I think it is a combination of work and Chester leaving and …well I'm not sure what else."

"I knew that would be your answer."

He had finished eating and got up to pour a second cup of coffee, more for something to do than because he wanted one. He picked up the pot in one hand and then stopped, looking directly at her before pouring the liquid into his cup.

"Kitty, you have known Matt for a long time. I know the relationship has not always been easy for you."

She started to say something, but he had returned the coffee pot to the stove and held up his hand.

"No, let me finish. Matt is a good man, unfortunately he is devoted to upholding the law, and that makes it impossible for any woman to have his undivided attention. You have handled the situation better than anyone else could have, but maybe there comes a point when even you can't cope anymore. I understand that. I also understand your fears that someday he won't return or he'll get shot down out there on Front Street and I won't be able to do anything for him. All that is a lot for any woman to bear. This man Arlo can offer you a security that you may never have with Matt Dillon."

He sat down at the desk again and leaned back in his chair so he could look up into her face and at the same time put less pressure on her. He didn't want to influence her decision, that was far beyond his scope of practice.

"What I want to say is, before you make any decision, wait till Matt gets back. Talk to him."

"We have talked many times Doc. It is always the same. As long as he wears that badge he won't commit to anything else."

"I know, but just wait till he gets home, that's all I can say."

She knew he was sincere in his advice. He had years of experience studying people, and she should accept what he said. She would just have to see how things went.

"Thanks, Doc." She walked towards the door and reached out to open it before changing her mind and turning back to him. "I'm so glad you're always here to talk to. I don't need that very often but when I do, it's good to know you're around."

She turned to leave before he could see the moisture gathering in her eyes. It was clear what he wanted her to do, but he had also said, although not in so many words, that the decision was hers, and he would support her whichever way it went.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 6

As much as Kitty tried not to think about Matt and just concentrate on getting to know Arlo, her mind would still drift back to the lawman from time to time. She tried to convince herself that was more from habit than anything else. Even so, deep down she was worried about him. It had been two weeks or more since he left, and no one had heard anything from him. He usually managed to send a telegram or two, but maybe he had not been anywhere where he could do that. She put it to the back of her mind. His recent manner had made her rethink her situation. Was Matt Dillon ever going to offer her what she wanted, or was that just some far off dream that for one reason or another would never be fulfilled?

Her thoughts were interrupted by Arlo. He had come into the Long Branch and was quietly standing in front of her at the bar. He smiled as she looked up from arranging the usual lunch time snacks. He lightly touched her hand.

"Could a poor cowboy be so bold as to ask a lady to go to lunch with him?"

She couldn't help the smile that came to her lips. It surprised her that a man so used to driving cattle and keeping a bunch of Texas drovers in line, could find a way to be so warm and gentle.

Of course there was another man who could control a bar room full of drunken buffalo hunters and drifters just by the sound of his voice — and she knew from experience that he could melt her heart with sweet words.

"Are you inviting me, Arlo?"

"I certainly am."

"Then just give me a moment to finish up here, and I'll be ready."

ooo000ooo

Delmonico's was packed with lunchtime customers when they arrived, but Joe, the waiter, found them a small table in the corner. The food was as bad as ever, but Kitty enjoyed the company and didn't really notice.

She was still listening with rapt attention to one of Arlo's wild stories as they made their way, arm in arm, back to the Long Branch. It was almost as if she had decided what to do when they both noticed some kind of a commotion going on outside the blacksmith's shop. She could see Quint Asper, Doc, and a few other men standing around. Quint was talking to an Indian, probably a Comanche by his appearance. They hurried over to find out what was going on. Quint was asking the Indian questions, and didn't seem to like the answers. Doc was listening and trying to follow, but since he didn't speak Comanche he had to wait patiently until the blacksmith had finished.

Quint had turned to face Doc by the time they approached, and now he saw Kitty and nudged the physician. By the look on their faces something serious was taking place.

"What's going on?" She was still holding on to Arlo's arm, but for a second her blood ran cold because she somehow sensed it was something to do with Matt.

"Doc! Quint! Tell me what's going on."

Arlo noticed the sudden fear in her eyes, but for a moment had no idea what had caused it. She broke free from him and looked from one to the other of her long-time friends.

Doc decided to break the ice.

"This is Swift Arrow, he's from the same tribe as Quint. He has some news about Matt."

Kitty couldn't help it. Her hand flew to her mouth.

"No!" she screamed, thinking the worst. "What's happened?"

For a moment Arlo felt like an outsider. This group of people were closer than any family. He knew they were Kitty's friends, but now he saw something else. Matt was more than another friend in this circle. They cared about the marshal, but they were all worried about Kitty because he was more important to her than anyone else. They knew it. Everyone knew it except him. Matt had not been exactly honest with him when he had said that he had no particular woman. Arlo could see that now. He changed his grip on Kitty's arm, so that he was in a position to support her because he thought that the news was going to be devastating.

"Kitty come inside and sit down." Quint was trying to get her away from all the prying eyes on Front Street. He indicated for Doc and the Indian to come inside also. Arlo was still holding Kitty's arm and figured he would be needed when the news was broken so he followed, and no one objected.

Quint wiped the dust from a low bench and indicated to Kitty to sit there. Arlo remained standing with one hand on her shoulder. Doc righted a wooden stool that was lying on the ground and sat nearby in case he was needed. Quint remained standing alongside the Indian.

He took breath knowing this was going to be difficult.

"Kitty, this is Swift Arrow. He is from the same tribe as my mother. Chief Running Horse sent him to find me. He has travelled many days and nights to get here."

Arlo noticed the spotted pony tied in one of the stalls and figured that he belonged to the Indian.

"Chief Running Horse wants me to go down to the Nations. In the lands of his tribe there are a group of white men who are wanted by the law. I think they are the ones Matt went after. He says they have taken a lawman, and are holding him prisoner at their hideout. Running Horse wants them all to be taken away because he fears that the soldiers will come to rescue the lawman, and then there will be fighting and white man's blood and Indian blood will stain the land. He does not want that. His people want peace."

All the time he was talking he was using sign language to include Swift Arrow in the conversation. The Indian nodded his head in agreement.

Doc looked at the blacksmith. "Are you going to take a posse Quint?"

"No, Doc - that wouldn't help. I must go alone."

Kitty joined the conversation. "Quint, it's too dangerous for you to go there alone. Don't you have enemies in that tribe? Matt said that many of your people turned against you because you came to live here in Dodge."

"I owe Matt my life, Kitty. This is the least I can do. I will bring him back."

"What about the outlaws?"

"I'll bring them back too."

"Is he going to help you?" She indicated the Indian standing by his side.

"He will lead me to their place but he will not fight. Running Horse does not want any of his braves involved, that is why he sent for me."

Arlo stepped forward. "I'll come with you Quint. I'm a pretty good hand on the trail, and I've known Matt a long time. I need to help him."

Quint looked at him and thought for a few moments. He knew the man had led many cattle drives and was experienced with the ways of the land. He had also watched him developing some kind of friendship with Kitty. He thought the situation over quickly. An extra pair of eyes and hands would be useful.

"Be ready to leave in an hour."

Arlo had escorted Kitty back to the Long Branch. He assured her they would find Matt and bring him home.

"Arlo, I…I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say it. I think I know how it is between you and Matt. Even though you and I have enjoyed each other's company, I knew there was someone else in the background. You should have told me."

She wanted to explain to him, but right now could not find the words. He put a gentle arm around her and looked deeply into her eyes.

"If Matt is alive, we will bring him back, I promise. We can discuss it then."

Meanwhile Doc had remained with the blacksmith. Once Kitty had left he went to Quint and spoke quietly, "You know the army is not going to go looking for Matt, are you sure this is not some kind of trap?"

The physician was pulling on his ear and looking around. He hoped the brave, known as Swift Arrow, did not understand much English. "Running Horse and his braves don't think too highly of you since you moved to Dodge - you told me so yourself."

"I don't understand all of it, Doc, but what do you expect me to do? If Matt is in trouble I need to go find him."

Adams knew he couldn't argue with that sentiment.

"Just be careful," he muttered as he turned away.

ooo000ooo

Less than an hour had passed, but Kitty stood next to Doc watching as the two men prepared for their mission. She knew that what they were about to undertake would not be easy.

They had gathered rifles, ammunition, water, and other supplies for the trip, then saddled two horses and packed a third with supplies. Finally the two men from Dodge and the Comanche prepared to head out. Kitty watched Arlo mount up then went to him and touched him on the leg. She wanted to tell him to be careful. She couldn't bear the thought of him coming to any harm, but at the same time she was scared about what might be happening to Matt. She could lose both men in one fateful moment. Carefully she controlled her voice.

"Please be careful," she whispered in a voice that was about to break.

He reached down and gently touched her face with a hand that smelled of leather and horse sweat. "Don't worry, we'll be fine. We'll bring him back."

She tried to smile but at the same time felt hot, salty tears trying to form in her eyes. His face was kind and gentle. She could tell that he knew. He understood that she could never totally love him. At the same time, here he was planning to do everything in his power to save the one man who prevented her from giving herself completely to him,

She felt another pressure on her arm. Doc was there for her. He always was. Together they watched the small group ride down Front Street and out of sight.

"Kitty, I think we both need a drink." The physician took her arm and gently led her away from the livery.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Decisions & Desires

Chapter 7

The evening seemed doubly cold and lonely. Not only was Matt somewhere out there in the Nations in some kind of trouble, but now Arlo and Quint had gone to bring him home. So much danger for all the people who were so important to her. What if any of them did not make it home?

She was back in her office store-room behind the bar, ostensibly checking on the stock and making out an order for the whisky drummer who would be coming by any day now. Try as she might she could not concentrate. She almost wished she could have gone with Quint and Arlo, at least then she would know what was happening. The waiting was unbearable. For what must have been the tenth time she started to tally the whisky stock, in order to figure how much she would need for the next month when there was a knock on the door, followed by a shuffling gait as Doc entered.

"Come on Kitty, I'm here to take you to supper."

She started to object, thinking that she would prefer to be left alone with her misery and indecisions. Before she managed to get the words out, Doc had removed the pad and pencil from her hand and taken her arm.

"Come on now. It's not often I get to take the prettiest woman in town to supper, but tonight I do, so don't start arguing with me."

"Doc I really don't feel like …"

"It doesn't matter, I'm taking you anyway. You have ten minutes to get ready, and then I'll be by to get you."

His words sounded strict, but there was a softness around his eyes. She could have argued with him, and maybe even won, but that was not something she felt like doing.

"I'll be ready, Curly," she relented.

ooo000ooo

Matt knew very little of the ride to the hideout deep in Comanche territory. His first awareness was of someone dragging him from the saddle and pointing a gun at him. They wanted him to walk to the old tumble down shack that he could just about see through the mist that clouded his eyes. He could barely think, but knew that things had gone badly wrong. These were the men he was supposed to be looking for, but they had found him instead. He needed to get away. Going into that building was not something he wanted to do. He couldn't organize his thoughts, but almost as a reflex he made a dive for the man holding the gun on him. The gun went off. He heard the loud report but didn't feel any pain. He reached out to grab the weapon, but the other man had much more strength and easily overcame him. He felt the blow to the side of his head as he fell to the ground, but lost consciousness too soon to feel the boot that swiftly followed it.

The three men from the Tanney gang looked at the inert Marshal on the ground in front of them.

"I reckon you killed him, Van," the tallest of them said as he used his foot to turn the lawman over. There was no response from the body on the ground.

"I know who that is," the man named Van replied, "That's Matt Dillon from Dodge City. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole cavalry doesn't come out here hunting for him soon. Guess we'd better find some shovels and dig a hole to bury him before anyone starts looking around. Then we've got to decide what we're going to do."

They had already turned to walk to the shack when a groan behind them made them all turn around.

"Looks like the marshal ain't quite dead," Van said, somewhat unnecessarily. "Give me a hand to bring him inside. At least we don't have to dig a grave just yet."

ooo000ooo

Back in Dodge City Kitty allowed Doc to escort her to one of the small corner tables in Delmonico's. Soon after seating himself he reached across the table and took her hand. It was not the same way as Arlo had touched her hand, or even as she remembered the rare occasions when it had been Matt reaching out to her. Doc's touch was supportive and caring, more like the love of a father she had never had. She wanted to cry, to lay her head on his shoulder and feel comforting arms shield her from the outside world, but that was not Kitty Russell's way. She would grieve alone, in the solace of her own room, not out in public.

She swallowed those emotions and smiled at the elderly physician sitting across from her.

"I'll be all right Doc," she said quietly as he patted her hand.

He nodded, "I know you will, but there are going to be some tough days ahead."

"I just want all of them to come back safely, nothing else matters much now."

Deep down she knew that was right. Whatever the disagreement she had had with Matt Dillon, it had become insignificant since she had heard the news that he was in trouble. Somehow it had put everything in perspective. She had to admit that she loved the man, badge and all, and the thought of anything happening to him was unbearable. She also accepted the fact that as long as she loved him, there would be many more times she'd be here, worrying and waiting for his safe return. As for Arlo, he was a good man and had many of the same qualities as the man she truly loved. Oh, she could have loved Arlo in a way, but Matt Dillon would always be there in her heart. Doc had been right to encourage her to wait. She wanted to tell him that, but figured he already knew.

She came back to the present to find that her friend had already ordered supper for both of them. The food was being placed on the table, and she looked up to see his blue-grey eyes studying her.

"Have you made up your mind?" he asked as he shook out his napkin and placed it on his knee. She followed suit.

"What about?"

"About Arlo. He's a good man, you know, and he doesn't wear a badge."

She took a bite of the beef stew on the plate in front of her to delay having to answer.

"What do you mean?"

"He wants to marry you and take you away from Dodge, doesn't he?"

She had to admit that was precisely what he wanted, but she couldn't reply, and he didn't push her. He just wanted her to consider her choices carefully.

The rest of the meal was eaten in a comfortable silence. When it was over, Doc threw some coins on the table, then took her by the arm to lead her back to the Long Branch.

"Will you be all right tonight, Kitty?" He reached in the pocket of his vest and pulled out a small envelope which he tried to hand to her. "Just in case you can't sleep."

"I'll be all right," she said pushing it away.

"Just in case," he repeated. "You know Quint will do anything for Matt. Somehow he'll find him and bring him home. We just have to believe that it will be all right."

Kitty had held the tears back for as long as she could. Fortunately there were not many customers at the bar. Adams put his arm around her shoulders and walked her through the saloon and up the stairs. Once the door to her room was closed behind them he went to the sideboard and mixed the powder in a glass of water.

"Doctor's prescription, drink it down." He handed the glass to her and stood there so she had no option but to swallow.

It wasn't long after he left when she fell asleep. It wasn't a peaceful sleep. Visions of Matt fighting bandits and facing gunfighters filled her dreams. Then she saw glimpses of Arlo and the home he wanted to build for her in that peaceful valley. No gunslingers waiting to try their luck, no prisoners to escort, and most of all no badge. Then there was a familiar figure in a faded red shirt. Gunshots rang out and in a distorted haze she saw him fall to the ground. She screamed and tried to run towards him, but however fast she ran she could not reach him. Panic overtook her. Her heart was going to burst out of her chest with its crazy rhythm. Then everything faded into a mangled vision of unknown faces and gunfire, bizarre shapes and colors, all preventing her from reaching the man she wanted. Fortunately it was her own screams that woke her. She was alone and, for a moment, terrified. Her breath was still coming in short heaving gasps and her heart was racing beyond belief. It took an instant for her to realize that it had been a nightmare, not reality. She threw back the covers and ran to the window. She was back in her room. It had all been in her mind. She tried to draw calming breaths of night air into her lungs, anything to chase away the already fading memory of the terror she had experienced.

"Oh Matt," she said to herself, "Why are you so much an intricate part of me?" The night gave her no answer, and still struggling for self-control she went back to the big empty bed.

Eventually she rested.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 8

Swift Arrow led Quint and Arlo towards the Nations at a grueling pace. Both the blacksmith and the trail boss were used to long hours in the saddle or they would not have been able to keep up. Darkness fell, but the Indian kept going.

They had several times along the way, to let the horses get their wind, but Arlo figured they had travelled at least eight hours before they finally pulled into a small group of trees by the river. He watched as Quint and Swift Arrow talked for a few minutes, then the blacksmith came over to him.

"We're going to stop here for a few hours to rest the horses." He went towards the Appaloosa he'd been riding and started to loosen the cinch. "Swift Arrow says you ride well for a white man," he called over his shoulder, trying not to laugh.

Arlo said nothing. He knew he could keep up with anyone on horseback. The animal he was riding was used to hard work, and he himself had spent so many hours driving cattle that the saddle was a natural place for him to be. After he finished untacking his horse he turned to Quint, "You just tell him to lead on, and I'll be right behind him. He won't outride me any day soon."

Both men set about finding wood for a fire, and Quint put water in a pot to make coffee.

"Why did the Comanche send for you Quint?"

"I guess they wanted my help." Quint was not one to give out a whole lot of information.

"No, I mean how come they know you."

Quint was always aware of the prejudice of white men. Matt had taught him, by example, that not all men were so ignorant, still there where those who decried him because of his mixed blood.

"Because I'm a 'breed," he said, turning to face Arlo as if trying to start an argument. He had watched this trail boss courting Kitty while Matt was out of town, and it had rubbed him the wrong way. He knew the man had volunteered to help, but wasn't sure of his intentions.

"I'd already figured that." Arlo answered in a matter of fact voice. He was used to dealing with all manner of men on cattle drives, and was not going to be goaded that easily. "Which way is it, your Pa a white man?"

"He was, but it was white men who killed him because my Mother was Comanche. She died last winter."

"I'm sorry, Quint, it must be tough for you."

"Yeah." He swallowed his pride. "I lived with the tribe for three years after my Pa was killed. I wanted to be a Comanche warrior, but in the end I took to living in Dodge."

"I always believe a man is who he proves himself to be, Indian or white, that's not the important thing. A man who has pride in himself and does an honest day's work - that's a man in my book."

It was not long before Swift Arrow returned to the camp site with a pair of rabbits he had snared. They were quickly skinned and roasted over a small fire. When the men had finished eating, they hobbled the horses and settled down for a few hours of sleep.

The next day was much the same. By resting themselves and their horses for several hours during the hottest part of the day, they were able to travel well into the night. Swift Arrow knew the trails well, and was able to guide them onwards, even after the sun had set. They crossed both the Canadian and Washita Rivers without too much difficulty, and in the early afternoon, three days after they left Dodge City, they arrived in the land of the Comanche.

They had just ridden into Running Horse's camp when Swift Arrow stopped and drew Quint aside. The trail boss could tell that he was the topic of their conversation, and felt a little uneasy. In a few minutes Quint came riding towards him.

"I'm going to have to pay my respects to Running Horse. You won't be welcome in his lodge, so just wait here. I won't be gone long."

Arlo got down from his horse and found a shaded area to wait. There was a fallen tree and he put his saddle blanket on the ground and sat so his back rested against a branch. He waited, wondering what he had got himself into. Quint seemed to be a good man, but he carried quite a chip on his shoulder. He couldn't blame him, of course. By the sound of things the man had not had an easy life. He knew Kitty and Doc trusted him so it must be all right. But what about Running Horse and his band of Comanches, were they on the level? Maybe he was walking into the middle of some Indian war. He didn't know. Eventually he saw Quint and Swift Arrow coming towards him. They were discussing something, but of course he had no idea what they were talking about. He was definitely the outsider in this group.

Swift Arrow led them west from the camp to a place where the landscape began to change. Hills rose up from the level plains they had been traversing. There as a space between two hills where a small creek flowed and a gentle draw led slightly upwards towards the northwest. Once again the Indian approached the blacksmith and words and hand signs were exchanged. Then Swift Arrow turned his horse around and left the two men standing there.

"What was that about?" Arlo asked.

"He won't come any further. The place where we are going is about an hour's ride in that direction. It's close to Kiowa land. The Comanche and Kiowa have a treaty but he doesn't want to risk upsetting them by bringing white men to their territory."

Arlo was about to point out that Quint was half Comanche - but decided not to. They rode side by side for a while. The Indian had pointed along the valley which lay in front of them. The entrance had been narrow and they would have missed it without the his help, but now it had widened out and there was a fairly clear trail to follow. By the time the light began to fade they were no more than two or three miles from the place they were searching for.

Quint indicated that they should dismount. He turned to Arlo. "I want you to stay here while I work my way ahead and see what's going on."

Arlo started to object. He hadn't ridden all this way to be pushed into the background.

"I promise I'll be back shortly" Quint said. "Someone needs to stay here with the horses, but we do need to know what's going on and what kind of shape Matt is in. I can work my way in and out without being seen."

Arlo reluctantly agreed. What the half-Comanche had said was very true. He had watched him and Swift Arrow move through the landscape while tracking food, and he knew that they barely caused the grass blades to stir.

It was totally dark by the time Quint returned. Arlo was startled as the man suddenly showed up beside him without disturbing the sounds of the night.

"What did you find?"

"Bad news. I found the place where they were holed up. They must have been there for a few days, but they're gone now. I could see some tracks but it was too dark to follow. We'll have to wait till morning."

"What about Matt?"

"I don't know. There was some blood on the floor in one of the rooms but other than I didn't find anything."

"Not much to go on then."

Arlo had such mixed feelings. He wanted to find Dillon alive and well, really he did. On the other hand, and he knew he should not think this way, but with Dillon out of the way he would probably be able to persuade Kitty to marry him. No sooner had that thought crossed his mind than he chided himself. Matt Dillon was a good man, he knew that much from years past. Of course he never would've admitted it back then. He would do everything possible to help Quint bring him back alive. He loved Kitty enough that he wanted to see her happy no matter the cost to himself.

TBC

A/N: I want to thank everyone who signed in as Guest and left comments. I can not reply to you individually but I really do appreciate your taking the time to leave your thoughts and ideas. LB


	9. Chapter 9

Decisions and desires

Chapter 9

Matt's first awareness was water. Water was on his face, in his nose and pouring down his neck. It was cold and he was shivering. He couldn't stop it. A voice was shouting but he didn't recognize it, he couldn't even figure out what the words meant. Someone was hitting his face, trying to wake him up, but it was a series of hard slaps, not soft and gentle like Kitty or Doc would use. He tried to turn his head so he could see where he was, but all that did was increase the pounding in the left side of his face. He wanted to speak, to find out what was going on. He had a feeling all was not well but couldn't remember what had happened. In the end he gave up trying and, as he vaguely heard footsteps retreating followed by a door being slammed, he floated back into a welcoming oblivion.

ooo000oo

The man known as Van joined his two partners in the main room of the shack they were inhabiting.

"I'm not sure what you plan to do with him, Chance, but he don't look too good if you ask me. I just poured some water over him, trying to wake him up but he didn't stir."

Chance Tanney turned away from the window where he had been watching part of the trail that passed within a few hundred feet of the house. Van was the younger of the two cousins, but was the taller and stronger. Even so, Chance seemed to be the natural leader of the pair, probably because of his two years seniority and the fact that he was the one who came up with ideas. There was a third member of the group, Ketch. They had gathered him up somewhere along the way. Ketch was an older man who had done a lot of drinking in his life so that now his mind was not always as sharp as it could be. Chance had kind of adopted the old drifter when he got caught up in a robbery they had carried out sometime before Cimarron. He had no idea why. The old man was useful for tending to the horses or making coffee but other than that he had very little sense or skill. He never asked for a share of the "profits", but Chance always saw to it that Ketch had clothes and food and kept an eye on him to make sure he stayed away from the whisky bottle. The old man seemed content to tag along, glad to have some friends to take care of him.

Chance himself had no love of corn liquor. He had watched his father drink himself to oblivion and saw what the result of that had done to his mother. His family had fallen apart when she passed away when he was about 15 years old. An uncle had taken him and his younger sister in, while an older brother, Raphe, had left home altogether. He had no idea where Raphe was now or even if he was still alive. It was while he lived with his uncle and aunt that he and Van had become close friends. He had heard somewhere that a cousin was the closest relative you could have, apart from a brother or sister. It had sure turned out to be that way. The boys, although two years apart in age, had become inseparable. They had worked side by side on his uncle's farm, together with three other cousins, but when Chance turned seventeen he decided it was time to leave. It seemed only natural that Van should go with him.

Life outside the family had not been as easy as the boys thought it would be. They managed to find employment on a few ranches, and one time even washed dishes in a small town restaurant, but the pay was never enough for them to live comfortably. One day, almost by accident, an opportunity arose. Van had been working for an old man who ran a feed store near Pueblo. The business did surprisingly well considering it was a long way from anywhere. The old man was taken sick and collapsed on the floor. Van, always the tougher of the two boys, saw a great opportunity. He emptied the contents of the business safe into his pocket and took off. No one really knew who he was or where to find him. When he met up with Chance later that evening they found they were the proud owners of over $200. It seemed to Chance, when he looked back, that that incident was the start of it all. From small robberies in small towns they advanced to larger businesses and then banks - after all, as Van had said, banks were where the money was. They had a good run of luck, but finally it came to an end in Cimarron, Kansas. They managed to rob the one bank in town but they had not figured on the aging Sheriff there. He had tracked them down and put them in jail to await trial. Van was ever the resourceful one and somehow managed to grab the lawman's gun. They had made their escape, but at the expense of the sheriff's life. Chance didn't like killing but had to agree that they had no other choice. Strangely, for all his tough ways, Van always looked to Chance for approval, and usually he found it.

They left Cimarron in a hurry, with no money and very little in the way of supplies. They had only just been lucky enough to be able to grab their horses before the townsfolk formed a posse and came after them. Van was good at surviving, and they managed to outwit the posse and two deputies who followed. He had shot and probably killed one of the deputies but never told Chance about that.

Now here they were, holed up in an old cabin, deep in Comanche territory with a dying marshal in the back room. For sure the Marshal's Service would be looking for them once it was reported that the lawman was missing. If it wasn't them, the army would come, or maybe the Indians would find them. He couldn't decide which fate would be worse.

Chance turned from the window to face the room. Both Van and Ketch were waiting for him to come up with a plan.

"Ketch," he turned to the old man, "Fix us some coffee and some stew or something from that meat Van killed this morning. We'll pack up from here and head out at first light tomorrow."

"What about him?" Van indicated the back room with a nod of his head.

"We'd better try to get some food and water down him if we want to keep him alive. You never know we might be able to use him if the law catches up with us."

"You should just let me finish him off now. He's only going to slow us down."

Killing had become Van's answer to most problems. Chance didn't like that. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that life was something to be preserved, not taken.

"There's been enough killing already," he said as he produced an old hand-drawn map from his pocket. He pulled up a chair and sat at the table to study it for a while. In the background he heard the slam of the stove door as Ketch added more wood on the fire. There was one large pan in the cabin and somehow the old man would manage to fix them something to eat. Finally he called Van over and pointed to the map spread out in front of him.

"If we head southwest out of here we can cross into Texas, I doubt anyone will recognize us there. If they do we can carry on to the border."

"It's an awful long way," Van pointed out unenthusiastically.

Chance was getting frustrated. He stood up and faced his cousin.

"Just what do you want to do, stay here, live with the Comanche? We don't have many choices." His voice was raised. Ketch looked up from his cooking. He liked the man called Chance. He felt safe with him, but somehow he did not trust Van. He hoped there wasn't going to be a fight.

"OK, OK," Van gave in, "you're the one with the brains. I'll go along with it, but there's no way we can drag him along." Once more he inclined his head towards the back room.

"We'll see how he does. We can always leave him in some town along the way if necessary. If we leave him here alone he's a dead man, and I don't want another killing on our hands."

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 10.

Next morning Chance was up and around before daylight had penetrated the run-down cabin. He heated up last night's coffee and sat by the window sipping it from an old tin mug. He was trying to figure the best way out of their situation. As he had pointed out to Van the night before, their choices were limited. He had checked on the lawman, and as far as he could tell the man had a fever which probably needed to be treated, but he had no way of helping him. The left side of the man's face was bruised and swollen from where Van had kicked him. It didn't look too pretty but he doubted it would kill him.

He sent Ketch to try to get the marshal to eat and drink something. It would be a lot easier to take him with them if he was strong enough to sit on a horse.

ooo000ooo

Matt awoke again. Each time things were a little clearer but he still he had very little memory of what had happened. If he tried to think too hard it seemed to make his head hurt even worse and his vision blurry.

He was vaguely aware thatl someone was sitting by the bed where he was lying. For a moment he hoped it was Kitty, but somehow he knew that wasn't so.

"C'mon now Marshal, try and take a little of this hash."

A spoon was pushed to his lips. The smell of the food alone was enough to sour his stomach and he turned his head away. The spoon retreated.

"Aw, I know it ain't real good, but Chance wanted me to get you to eat somethin' and it's all we got."

Matt managed to open his eyes a little more. The light was dim but he could just about make out a shape sitting next to him. He tried a little harder, the pounding in his head grew stronger but he wanted to see. The shape came into focus, an old man, wizened and scruffy. Whiskers covered most of his face, they were gray in color as were the few tufts of hair on his head. His skin was tanned from being out in all weathers - or maybe because it had been a while since he had bathed. He closed his eyes. it was too much effort to keep them open.

"Water." His mouth felt so dry he could barely get the word out, but the old man seemed to understand. He felt one hand behind his head, lifting it a little and then a dipper was pressed to his lips. The pain was excruciating but he needed the water and somehow he stayed conscious long enough to drink a mouthful or two before passing out and falling back to the pillow behind his head.

It was two hours later when four men on horseback left the old shack. Three of them were sitting upright in their saddles but the fourth was sprawled across the neck of a large buckskin which was led by a scruffy looking man riding an old sway back sorrel mare.

Several times they had to stop because the man on the buckskin did not have the strength to stay in the saddle. Van was getting angrier by the minute.

"He's just slowing us down, Chance. We need to finish him off now or just leave him for the buzzards." Van was standing by the buckskin trying to push the big man back into the saddle for the third time since they had left the cabin, but it wasn't working. The horse became agitated because of the ever shifting weight and side stepped away from the outlaw resulting in the lawman falling to the ground. He landed on his back and the sun reflected off of the badge on his chest. Suddenly Van had a better idea. He leaned over and removed the badge, then he started going through the Marshal's pocket to find the warrant he should be carrying - but found nothing.

"We don't need him Chance, this is all we need." He held up the metal star, "Do you want to wear it or shall I."

"I don't think I want to." Chance was squatting down and checking the man on the ground. He had to agree with his cousin. It didn't look like he'd make it much further. He hated to leave him out here alone but didn't see much way to avoid that now. His eyes searched around for a shaded place to put him. There weren't any trees here to offer shelter, but there was a patch of stringy bushes just ahead.

"Ketch, come down here and give me a hand," he called.

Van hardly watched the two men as between them they carried the Marshal to the small patch of cover ahead. He was busy pinning the badge to his shirt.

"How about that?" he called to his two companions as they were walking back towards him. "Sometimes I think I should have been a sheriff or something." Chance didn't say anything. He still didn't like the idea of leaving anyone to die out here alone, but Van was right, if they didn't get moving someone would find them soon.

ooo000ooo

Quint and Arlo had broken camp just before dawn. They didn't talk much as they rode side by side along the trail that the blacksmith had explored the evening before. The sun had barely risen over the horizon when they arrived at the ramshackle cabin. Quint asked the trail boss to stay back with the horses so he could try to locate any tracks. Arlo watched as his friend moved carefully around outside the cabin, sometimes stopping to squat down and look closer at the marks on the ground.

"It looks like they are heading southwest," he informed the other man as he leapt up onto the Appaloosa without use of a stirrup.

"Are you sure it's them?" Arlo asked, not meaning to question Quint's abilities but wanting to be certain they were not going to be following the wrong trail. There seemed to be many sets of tracks around, some with shod horses and some that could be Indian ponies. Not too many of them looked recent, but even so as far as he could tell, the ones Quint was following were no different to any of the others. Occasionally the blacksmith would get down from his horse and study the ground. After one such stop, Arlo decided to dismount and see what Quint was looking at.

The half Comanche was studying a confusion of tracks when Arlo approached. They had reached a point where several trails came together. Quint began pointing to a set of prints that had been blurred out by animal tracks, probably antelope, that had come this way.

"That's Matt's horse," he indicated. "I'd say that the marshal is lying slumped over the horse's neck rather than sitting upright in the saddle. I think he had fallen off a while ago, but two men pushed him back in the saddle. There are three men with him, one is riding an older animal with a loose shoe. They're still heading southwest but they have been stopping frequently."

Arlo was impressed. "How can you tell all that just from marks on the ground. It's difficult enough to follow the trail through all these other prints."

"Matt's horse is easy to follow. I have shod him many times. Notice how the front hooves are dug further into the ground than the back - that means his rider's weight is too far forward. I also think he is being led by the person riding the animal with the loose shoe - see how they are always the same distance apart." Quint leaned over to point out what he was seeing. "I'd say they came this way yesterday sometime, probably early in the day. The other animal tracks cross over the top, they are heading to the water to drink, so most likely they were made later in the evening."

Having finished his explanation Quint swung up on the Appaloosa once more, and with Arlo close behind the pair rode on.

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 11

Matt knew he was alone. He couldn't hear voices or sense anyone nearby. With a monumental effort, he raised himself up on his hands and knees to look around. His vision was still blurred, and he shook his head to try to clear it. It didn't help. More troubling was the fact that he couldn't see his horse anywhere. Carefully he lowered himself back to the ground and, as he did so he noticed a canteen lying in the dirt nearby. At least they had left him some water. He reached out and, by stretching his arm as far as possible, was able to touch it with his fingers and drag it towards him. It was less than half full, but a mouthful here and there would certainly help. His head was hurting again and dizziness was overtaking him. He laid back down and surrendered his mind to invading dreams where the image of Ronnie Pickens' face was mixed up with the Tanney gang. Somehow he couldn't figure it all out.

ooo000oo

Dusk had already fallen when Quint got down from his horse to check the trail for what must have been the twentieth time since their last rest stop.

"I'm sure of it now," he mumbled more to himself than Arlo.

"Sure of what?"

"Matt is no longer on that horse." He was squatting down once more studying the patterns in the dust. Arlo leaned over his shoulder to look at the signs Quint was indicating, but couldn't make anything out of the mess of half formed images in the dirt.

"Maybe they have him riding double on one of the other animals."

"It's possible but I can't see anything to indicate that." Quint picked up the reins of his horse and walked on a little further, stopping several times as he followed whatever it was he could see. The tracks had become so blurred that Arlo was unable to identify anything at this point. They walked for about another half mile then the blacksmith stopped.

"I'm certain he's not with them anymore, we need to backtrack and find out what happened."

Both of them had the same fear, but did not voice it aloud.

Grasping the saddle horn, Quint swung up onto the back of his Appaloosa once more and began retracing his steps. An hour later the light was fading, but the blacksmith was once more squatting down looking at tracks in the dirt. Fortunately there had been fewer animals using this part of the trail and only two or three sets of unshod Indian ponies mingled with the tracks he was following.

"This is it," he said at last, straightening up and looking around. "It looks like Matt fell off his horse right here. See the boot tracks, two sets, they are carrying something heavy." He stopped to point to what he was seeing. Both men's eyes scanned the landscape. The boot tracks led east of the trail. There wasn't much cover, but through the darkness they could make out some stunted bushes surrounded by a few grasses growing up from the otherwise barren prairie soil. Quint took off at a run, and Arlo quickly followed.

At first Arlo thought they were too late. The body on the ground looked bruised and beaten. Quint squatted down and felt for a pulse. It was there, not very strong, but at least it was present.

"He's still alive," he announced.

Arlo had thought to grab the canteen from his horse, and now he handed it to Quint who was trying to lift the Marshal's head. Maybe he got him to swallow a sip or two but it didn't seem to have much effect. Quint looked around,

"There's a bottle of whisky in my saddle bag," he said to Arlo.

Arlo brought both the horses closer to where the marshal was lying. He found the whisky and handed it over.

"Come on Matt, try a little of this." Carefully the blacksmith encouraged his friend to take a little of the amber liquid.

Matt coughed and choked on the first mouthful, but the second swallow cleared his head somewhat and he tried to sit up. Quint pushed him back down.

"Take it easy for a minute."

"How come you're here?"

"It's a long story, Matt. Do you remember what happened?"

"I was after the Tanney gang, I think they found me first, not sure." He raised his hand to his head which had started to pound again, and reluctantly admitted to himself that he did not have the strength to stand up and go after the outlaws.

Quint knew what had to be done.

"Arlo, if we build a travois, do you think you can get the marshal back to Dodge?"

"What are you planning to do?"

"Someone needs to go after the people who did this."

"How are you going to find them?"

"As long as they have Matt's horse with them, it won't be difficult."

Quint was not a man given to lengthy conversations and did not elaborate on what he intended to do. He had a quiet confidence in his own ability to handle whatever situation came along. Right now he needed to find some saplings to make a travois but there were none in the immediate area. It was already too dark to go looking, so they made camp for the night.

Next morning Matt seemed more alert. In fact he had it in his mind that he was now able to go after the outlaws himself. Quint was quietly trying to talk him out of the idea, but to little effect. Dillon did manage to sit up but the motion caused his head to spin. He was forced to lay back down. It was then that he noticed his badge was missing which led to a whole new set of concerns.

"I have to get them, Quint, before they kill again. There's been too much killing. I have to stop them." His voice grew weaker and his eyes closed.

"I'll find them, Matt." Quint gently eased his friend back to the ground.

"It's not your job, it's mine. Too many risks."

"Deputize me, then it becomes my job. You can pay me later," he added, thinking that if he could get Dillon to consider this to be an official arrangement he might be more accepting of it.

"Quint, I can't ask you to do this."

"You're not asking, I'm volunteering."

Eventually the blacksmith got his way, but it was well into the morning before the travois was constructed and they were ready to leave. Quint had put his own saddle on the pack horse and secured the travois to it. He figured it would take Arlo at least five days to get home pulling the device, maybe even longer. He might even be able to find the outlaws and catch up with them before they ever reached Dodge City.

Arlo had watched the half Comanche construct the travois. He looked on as the man worked with the knife he always wore on his belt, and was amazed by the speed of his fingers and how quickly and accurately he assembled the structure.

"What are you going to do for a saddle?" he questioned as Asper tested the device.

"I don't really need one. You white men just get lazy."

Quint smiled as he spoke, remembering a time when the white man had been his enemy. Thanks to Matt Dillon he had learned that there was good and bad in all races. Skin color had nothing to do with it, it was the man inside the skin that counted. It had been a hard lesson for him at the time, but one he would never forget. He knew the scars of hate he carried would always be there, but with every day that passed, they got buried a little deeper.

ooo000ooo

The signs were easy to follow. The big buckskin horse left unmistakable tracks in the sand and rock that made up the trail. Quint was able to make better time now that he was traveling alone, and losing forty pounds of saddle made the ride easier for his mount. He figured he would catch up with the outlaws in about two days. It was, in fact, towards dusk on the second night when he heard noises ahead. He could even smell the smoke from their campfire. These white men had no idea how to hide, they might as well be standing up and waving to him.

Meantime, Arlo was headed back towards Dodge leading the pack horse with the travois.

Overall the marshal's condition seemed to be improving, but that night he ran a fever again. Arlo could hear him mumbling. Most of the words were jumbled, but one word he did understand, a name, "Kitty".

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 12

Arlo figured it would take about a week for them to make the return trip to Dodge. After two day's travel they arrived at the entrance to the draw where Swift Arrow had left him and Quint a few days earlier. He had just made camp for the night when the Indian silently appeared from the bushes behind them. Arlo was startled and instinctively drew his gun, but fortunately recognized the Comanche just in time. Swift Arrow used a few words of English, accompanied by sign language, to explain that he was going to see them safely through the land of the Comanche, but in fact stayed with them until they were within an easy day's ride of Dodge.

As they were leaving their overnight camp site next morning, Matt decided he was able to ride, and persuaded Arlo to unhook the travois from the pack horse. At first it seemed that the lawman was having difficulty keeping his balance in the saddle, but as time went on he improved, and their pace picked up considerably.

ooo000ooo

It was just before noon when two riders were seen on Front Street. One of them was a little slumped in the saddle, but still arguing fiercely with the other.

"Matt you really need to stop by and let Doc take a look at you. That bruise on your head looks pretty serious, and last night you were fevered again. You were rambling on about killers, and burying people." He turned his head so he could watch Matt's expression before adding his final blow, "And you talked a lot about Kitty too."

Arlo had actually been surprised when Matt, in a fevered dream, began calling Kitty's name. It had only added to his realization that however much the marshal denied it, there was a considerable 'something' between the marshal and the saloon owner. A sudden change in expression came over Dillon's face as the trail boss hit him with those words, but it only lasted a second or two before being pushed aside.

"I need to check that everything is all right at the office, then I'll go along and see him."

Somehow Matt had managed to completely ignore the remark.

Arlo gave up arguing. This man was going to do things his own way whatever the outcome. He left the lawman at the Marshal's Office and took the horses to the livery. They were both tired and in need of water and feed, as were the riders. He left the stable and headed for the Long Branch where word was already spreading that Dillon had returned. He saw Kitty reading a newspaper at the back table where he had sat with her for many pleasant evenings before leaving town. She looked up as he approached, her eyes were troubled but there was a welcoming smile on her lips. Arlo removed his hat and took the chair next to her.

"I brought him home," he said softly, wondering what kind of reception he would get.

"I heard, Arlo. Thank you for that. Where's Quint?"

"He'll be along. He went to find the Tanney gang."

"Alone! He can't do that."

"He seemed to think he could, in fact he told Matt as much."

Kitty figured that if Matt Dillon had let Quint go off alone like that he must have been in pretty bad shape himself.

There was silence for a number of seconds.

"How's Matt doing?" she asked, trying to keep her voice neutral and her eyes on the newspaper in front of her.

"He was in pretty rough shape when we found him. He's got a big bruise on the side of his head and he's been running a fever from time to time, but he was able to stay in the saddle for the last four days."

"Did you leave him at Doc's?"

"No, he insisted on checking on things at the office first. You want me to walk down there with you?"

She thought for a moment. "Not just now Arlo, I have a lot of thinking to do."

There was a distance between them that had not been there before. He wanted to ask her to eat lunch with him but decided she would turn him down and didn't want that to happen. He needed to ask about her and Matt, but knew this was not the time.

"Guess I'll see you later then. I'll be around if you need me." He rose from his chair and started to turn toward the street. She reached up and touched his arm.

"I need time to sort things out, Arlo, my life has been a little confused of late. Thank you for bringing him home."

He nodded and, without further discussion, turned and left.

Kitty watched as the batwing doors swung closed behind him. Part of her wanted to rush to see Matt Dillon, but part of her could not forget the things that had happened between them. Was she right to stir up all those emotions again? She went back to her newspaper but her eyes only scanned the words on the page, her mind took no interest in their meaning. She was so engrossed in the turmoil of feelings inside her head that she did not even notice when someone else came to take the seat next to her.

"Kitty."

Vaguely she heard the voice, but it hardly penetrated her mind. She did not respond until a kindly hand came to rest on her arm. Somehow Doc was there.

"Oh hi Curly, I didn't hear you come in."

He just nodded, ignoring her obviously distracted state.

"Must be some pretty interesting stuff in there." He indicated the paper she was reading.

"Not really, it's three days old." She stopped and took a breath, folding the newspaper and placing it on the table as she did so. "Matt is back."

"So I heard, I thought I'd go and check on him. Just wondered if you wanted to come along."

She considered the offer carefully but decided against it.

"No, you go on and see how he's doing, I'll catch up with him later."

Adams knew she had a lot of thinking to do about her relationship with the lawman, so did not try to persuade her. The marshal's recent behavior did not fit with the character of the man he knew so well. It was just not like him to act the way he had, especially towards Kitty Russell. Maybe there was a simple explanation. He would certainly do his best to find one.

ooo000ooo

Doc opened the door to the Marshal's office. Even though it was full daylight outside, the overhanging roof of the boardwalk and grime that had accumulated on the windows since Chester had left, made it much darker inside. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust. He looked around the room and at first thought no one was there. Then he saw movement from the old cot along the back wall. He set his medical bag on the desk and went to look at the man lying there.

The first thing he noticed was the bruising on the side of his friend's head. Adams was even more concerned when he noticed the small amount of dried blood mixed in with the hair above his left ear and a multicolored bruise around his eye. He pulled a chair from the center table and placed it next to the cot so he could be at the same level as his patient

"Matt," he started carefully, not knowing what kind of reception he was going to get, "I think maybe you and I need to have a talk."

The marshal had been lying on his back but now turned on his side so that his back was towards the doctor who was disturbing him.

"Can't a man get any rest around here?"

The tone of the reply was angry and short tempered, but Doc managed to remain calm and reasonable.

"Sure, I'll let you rest, but I think you need to come up to my office and let me clean that wound up and check you over. You look a little fevered to me."

"Doc I don't have time for that. Quint is out there somewhere doing my job. I need to go help him. I just need to sleep for a while. Go away and leave me alone." Matt didn't even turn to look at the physician, his eyes remained fixed on the wall in front of him

"I think Quint can handle himself. Besides from the look of you I don't think you would be much help to anyone."

Matt didn't say anything in reply, and there was a silence in the jailhouse that lasted for almost a minute.

Doc got up from his chair and turned it back towards the table where it belonged. Arguing with this man in his present state was getting him no where. Dillon was beyond reasoning. There was only one thing he could do.

"Matt, you are the most stubborn man I know. I also know that it's been quite a while since you were fit enough to perform the duties of a United States Marshal."

He stopped for a moment taking a breath or two before playing his only trump card. He didn't want to do it but considered it the only way to get Matt Dillon's attention.

"As your personal physician, and a concerned resident of Dodge City, I believe that your refusal to take adequate care of your health represents a shameful dereliction of duty, and as such I will be required to send a report to your superiors in Washington."

"Doc" Matt started

"No, Matt, no excuses. Be in my office within the hour, or you will find me at the telegraph office."

The physician left the jail house, closing the front door a little more forcefully than necessary and hoping his words would have the desired effect.

He stopped by the Long Branch on his way back along Front Street. Kitty had kept one eye on the swing doors for the last hour or more. When he entered she was talking to Sam, across the bar. She looked at him hopefully as he approached.

"Well Doc, what do you think? Is he all right?"

"I think so, Kitty, but I can't be sure till I've checked him over, I told him to come by my office within the hour. After that I'll let you know." The physician had taken his watch from its pocket and flipped it open so he could note the time.

"In that case, how about a drink?" she offered. The physician nodded at the suggestion.

"I thought you'd never ask," he replied.

Kitty nodded towards the barkeep, and a glass containing a generous shot of whisky was placed on the counter.

"To your very good health." the physician toasted the saloon owner, then downed the drink in a single swallow before slowly placing the glass back on the counter.

"I best be getting back to the office now, I'll see you later Kitty."

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 13.

Early the following morning, Quint arrived in Dodge escorting two men and leading a big buckskin horse. He took the men directly to the jailhouse and, after securing them inside a cell, led all four horses to the livery. Having questioned Moss Grimmick he found that Arlo and Matt had arrived the previous day and that Matt was up at Doc's office. The stable man was always a good source of information when it came to what was happening around town, and Quint knew there were many occasions when Matt would ask him about people's whereabouts.

He decided to go eat a late breakfast at Delmonico's. Usually he ate well on the trail, but with two prisoners in tow there had been little opportunity to hunt fresh meat. As he entered the cafe he was surprised to see Kitty and Arlo. They occupied the small table in the corner behind the door, and were deep in serious conversation. He decided not to disturb them and sat at an empty table at the far side of the room. He wasn't staring at them but could not help but notice how the trail boss reached across the table to lay his hand on top of hers. It was also clear that she did not object.

When he finished his meal, he left money on the table and headed for the door. Kitty and Arlo were still deep in a conversation so he did not interrupt them.

ooo00oo

Kitty had noticed Quint while he was eating his meal, and although she always enjoyed his company she had a lot to discuss with the trail boss.

She had not gone to see Matt the previous evening. She wasn't sure about her feelings, or his come to that matter. Doc had told her to wait - that there may be a medical reason for the marshal's apparent change in personality - and he needed a little more time to finish his assessment.

Meantime there was Arlo - a really fine man who would rope the moon for her if he could. He had such wonderful plans for his ranch in a beautiful setting amongst the hills of Colorado. She had seen the place and for a brief time had shared his dreams, but now she heard the music and commotion from the saloon below her rooms and wondered if she could survive such a peaceful environment. Was she like Matt? Had she become so accustomed to the fights and chaos that were a nightly occurrence in Dodge City that a well ordered quiet life would seem oppressive?

She went to the window and looked out over the street. There were still plenty of men coming and going, wandering between the bars, looking for the best poker game or the strongest whisky - or mostly the prettiest girl. Life for her would not be the same in a peaceful green valley with two or three children and a husband who came home every evening - probably expecting a meal on the table and freshly laundered clothes for the next day. That was not an unpleasant thought, she would enjoy that - but for how long? The more she thought about it, the more she knew she would have to have a serious talk with Arlo. It would be difficult, she really liked him and enjoyed his company. He was a lot like Matt in so many ways, but that was the problem - he was a lot like him but not the same. She knew that thought would always be in her mind. Matt would always be there, in her head and in her heart.

So when Quint walked into Delmonico's that morning, she was relieved that he was content with his own company. She had to have that serious talk with Arlo, and it was something she had geared herself up for. She did not want to postpone the conversation once it was started.

ooo000ooo

Matt had been subjected to Doc's serious talks before so he knew what to expect when the physician pulled up a chair and sat down, carefully removing his spectacles before speaking.

"I've known you for a long time now Matt," he began. His steely grey eyes could be soft and consoling at times, but now they were piercing, looking for answers.

"I can't argue with that," was all Dillon could say, turning his face away from the physician.

"When did you first get sick?" Doc decided to come straight to the point. He could tell that his friend the marshal was about to deny any illness so he continued, barely giving the man time to come up with a negative response.

"I sat up with you most of last night, I know you don't remember, but I was here. You were running a fever - not high, but enough to make you restless. You were talking in your sleep, something about killing, and people being murdered, and it all being your fault. Now suppose you tell me what this is all about."

"It's my business."

"It is until it interferes with your health and your ability to do your job, then it becomes mine."

Matt said nothing. He hated talking about his personal fears and imaginings. Eventually he did the best he could to discourage that line of questioning.

"Doc I need to get out of here, there are two prisoners in the jail. I need to go check on them and talk to Quint about what happened out there."

"The prisoners are being taken care of, and you're not going anywhere just yet."

Doc gave his patient some time to think, then started again.

"Something happened when you went to arrest Ronnie Pickens, over on the Republican River. I think that is when all this started." He waited a while but got no answer. "I'm right aren't I?" he continued.

Just the sound of the words brought vivid pictures back to Matt's mind.

"I don't want to discuss it, Doc." It made his head hurt to just think about it.

"The time will come when you will. We'll try again later."

The physician stood up and returned his chair to its place by the window.

"I'll bring you something to eat in a while," were his parting words as he left.

ooo000ooo

Matt was alone. He didn't want to sleep because the images would return, and he had no way to stop them. He knew that it was at least two months since he had had a restful night, maybe longer. He also knew he had been short tempered and had vague recollections of unnecessary sharp words to Doc and Quint. Worst of all he knew he had acted harshly towards Kitty, and she certainly didn't deserve that.

Doc must have been called away because to the best of Dillon's knowledge the physician never returned with the promised food. The afternoon wore on slowly and eventually, even though he tried to avoid it, he fell asleep. The visions came back. He saw the face of Ronnie Pickens laughing at him. Even as the outlaw lay on the ground with a bullet from Matt's gun buried deep in his chest there was still that mocking smile on his face. Matt buried the man out there on the prairie near the spot where he had fallen, then, when the last shovel-full of dirt was back in place, he stood for a moment trying to experience the relief he should have felt, but it did not come. There was a gust of wind, colder than the surrounding air, and the marshal was sure he heard that evil laugh again. It would haunt him forever.

Pickens had been one of those people who were born evil. Matt first became aware of the man when a telegram had arrived on his desk followed shortly by a full-sized wanted poster. Pickens was said to be around five feet ten with dark hair and eyes. The poster showed a drooping mustache on the smiling face. It was not a pleasant smile, more like a smirk, and it was something of a trade mark. The man had killed at least fifteen people - men, women, and children. He would take what little they had and move on. Any that survived always remarked on the grin on his face as he pulled the trigger. The money was not important to Pickens. It was the energy and thrill he got from the killing that drove him on.

The murderer was thought to be in Kansas, he might even have been planning to come to Dodge City. About a month later, more by accident than design, Matt had come across Pickens. He was on his way home after delivering a prisoner to Hays. It had been a long trip, and he found himself falling asleep in the saddle. He knew, from traveling this route so often, that there as a small creek just beyond the slight rise off to his right. He would stop for a moment and splash some of the cold water on his face - that should wake him up. As he topped the rise he could see someone else kneeling by the shallow water's edge. From the distance he could not tell what the man looked like, or even if he knew him, but his job as a lawman had made him overly cautious. Totally awake now, he circled the man who seemed oblivious to his presence, and from the shelter of a group of rangy bushes he managed to see his face. Dillon had a good memory for faces - especially those he saw on wanted posters - and this one was all too fresh in his mind.

It had been strangely easy to arrest the man and bring him back to the jail in Dodge, but keeping him in custody had proved to be more difficult.

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 14

Doc had eventually returned with some food in the form of a bowl of antelope stew. Matt wasn't really hungry, but decided that if he wanted to get out of there he'd better eat it. He had just about finished when the physician brought a mug of coffee. Doc's coffee wasn't a whole lot better than Chester's had been, but again he consumed it without question. The physician left, hardly having said a word, which Matt found worrying.

His thoughts returned to Ronnie Pickens - playing the story out in his mind. He had arrested him that afternoon by the creek. He had snapped the handcuffs in place on the man's wrists and ridden on into Dodge. At first the outlaw hurled a few insults and then proclaimed that he had friends who would set him free. Matt couldn't imagine such a man having friends, but found out later that the type of friends he had were all controlled by fear. After that Pickens didn't say much at all. He had remained in the Dodge City jail for more than two weeks before Dillon got orders to take him to Wichita. Pickens' crimes had taken place in different states, and been so heinous that he was to be tried in a federal court. It was up to Matt to get him there.

He turned in his sleep, sweating and confused. He was back on the train. He didn't like escorting prisoners by train, too much danger for other passengers, but riding to Wichita would have taken too long. The scene played out before him for the hundredth time. He was in the guard's van with his prisoner. The door was locked. The conductor had told him there would be a stop to take on water, so he was not surprised when the train slowed down. He raised the blind and looked at the prairie outside. There was no water tank in sight. He crossed the car to check the other side, but before he made it there the door flew open in a barrage of shots.

How could he have let his guard down like that? He didn't even know how many men were involved, but before he could draw his gun, they were on him. He had no hope of fighting them off. When he came to, his prisoner was gone.

All the time the cattle drives where arriving in Dodge, he could not allow himself to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the mocking smile of Ronnie Pickens. He couldn't rest, weeks went by before at last there was a reported sighting of the murderer down by the Republican River. Matt rode out the very same day he received the news. Before he found Pickens he came across the ranch. At first he was going to stop to fill his canteen, but when he pulled up in front of the house he could tell that all was not well. He heard the sound of a faint young voice calling for help. He went in, and the sight that met his eyes turned his stomach to the point of nausea. He knew at that instant that Ronnie Pickens had killed again. The young boy did not last very long - just long enough to tell him about the man who came to their house, killed his Ma and Pa and his younger brother and then did horrible things to his sister before killing her too. The boy saw it all but was hurt so badly that there was nothing he could do. How he had lived this long Matt never knew, but having told his story the boy breathed his last in the marshal's arms. Somehow Dillon controlled his emotions long enough to bury the five bodies behind the small home that was forever scarred.

It took him two more days to find Pickens. He never slept. If he closed his eyes the nightmare he had seen at the ranch kept coming back. He knew it was his fault. If he had not let Pickens escape, that family would still be alive. The scene would haunt him forever. At last he knew he was within an hour's ride of the man. He planned to take him that night before he had chance to kill again. It proved to be a lot easier than he had thought it would be. Pickens was bent over a fire roasting a jack rabbit when Matt had found him. It was almost dark and his eyes were adjusted well to the half-light. Pickens on the other hand had been staring at the fire and could not see into the darkness. Matt did not like to kill, but this man was different. He was wanted dead or alive, and Dillon had decided that the man would not get another chance to kill, he would not allow Ronnie Pickens the chance to escape from the law again. He pulled his gun from its holster and took aim. At the last minute he found he could not shoot even this evil man in the back. He called out to him, Pickens spun around and drew his gun, but could not see. Matt fired and Pickens fell to the ground. Dillon kept his gun drawn as he walked towards the body on the ground. The man's gun was lying there in the dirt and he kicked it away, there was no movement. Using his foot he turned the body over. It was clear that the man was dead. As usual Matt's aim had been true. In the flickering firelight he could see the smirk on the man's face. Even in death his face was caught in that pose.

The marshal dug a shallow grave and buried him right there, but still the face continued to haunt him. He rode back to Dodge wishing he could erase the visions left in his mind. Sweat was pouring down his face and dripping in his eyes. He needed to be more alert. A voice in his head became very insistent, then he realized it was not in his head but coming from someone next to him.

"Wake up, Matt, you've been dreaming."

His eyes focused and he could see Doc sitting there. It took a moment to realize that he was in the bed in the physician's back room, not burying Ronnie Pickens down by the Republican River.

"Doc," he looked around, fearful for a moment, "how did I get here, I…"

"It's alright. Just relax. Everything's fine - you were having some kind of a nightmare."

The voice was calm and soothing and he could feel Doc's hand on his wrist and then on his forehead. He managed to slow his breathing, but could still feel his heart pounding. He had been back in that rancher's home with the dying boy just as clear as on the day it happened. He had buried them all over again, and then tracked Ronnie Pickens and buried him. How many more times would he have to re-live those events?

"I heard some of what you said, Matt. It's not your fault that Pickens got away, and it is certainly not your fault that he killed again."

"It is my fault Doc. I was responsible for him. He was my prisoner. Those deaths are on my hands just as surely as if I had pulled the trigger."

"You can't go on blaming yourself, it's making you ill. Somehow you have to put it aside or else you will be no good to this town or anyone in it. You and I have both seen good lawmen haunted by past events. Most of them finish up trying to drown their memories in a whisky bottle until some gunman with a steadier hand comes along and puts them out of their misery. Is that what you want Matt?"

Matt couldn't answer - the images where still too clear in his mind.

"Here's what I think happened, for what it's worth to you. You got sick and had a fever but you never gave yourself time to rest and get over it, and it has hung on, pulling you down. Then you ran into all that mess with Pickens, and more recently the Tanney gang, not to mention the cattle drive season. My prescription is a week or two of vacation to give yourself time to heal."

Dillon was prepared to raise his usual argument when they both heard the door to the front office open. Doc got up from the bedside to see who it was, and returned a few minutes later with Quint in tow.

The blacksmith as usual seemed in a good mood.

"Thought you'd like to know I've got two men locked up in the jail, Matt. Chance Tanney and an old man by the name of Ketch - I don't think he had much to do with anything but I brought him along anyway. There was another man by the name of Van - but he tried to pull a gun on me and in the struggle he got killed. Oh," he dug into his pocket and produced the metal badge, "I found this on the man - I think it belongs to you."

Matt took the badge and looked at it, turning it over in his hands several times, then he set it face down on the small bedside table and lay back to rest his eyes.

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 15

Arlo stopped by the Long Branch and looked around for Kitty. He spotted her standing beside a gambler at the faro table. He managed to catch her eye and she excused herself to come join him.

"I just wanted to tell you I'm heading out today"

"I'm sorry, Arlo."

"Don't apologize. I enjoyed our time together very much and I'm glad you managed to prevent our friendship from crossing the line. Matt hadn't been quite truthful with me or himself I think, but I know that deep down he is an honest man, and he really does care about you."

He had to leave before his emotions got the better of him, but as he turned to go he felt her hand on his arm

"Arlo, I have to say this. I want to thank you for risking your life to bring Matt home. I'm sorry that I ever led you to believe that there could be anything more between us. It all happened so quickly that I guess, at the time, I didn't realize where it was leading."

He couldn't say anything, this woman was someone he really wanted to care for and he didn't want his true feelings to show. It would make it even harder for her. At last he reached out and took her hand briefly.

"So long, Kitty." He turned quickly and left while he still had control.

She watched him leave. There was an ache in her heart for something that could have been, but another man had her love, and there was nothing she could do to change that.

He was on his way to the livery, determined to leave town before the temptation to run back, take Kitty in his arms and beg her to marry him, became overwhelming. He had a pain inside him that no medicine could cure. His horse was all saddled and ready to go, but as he passed the steps leading to Adams' office he knew he couldn't leave without talking to Dillon. It was not what he wanted to do, but there were words that needed to be said and they had been put off for too long.

He trod heavily up the stairs, new thoughts filling his head with every step. He and Dillon had a long history, and there were things from the distant past that needed to be resolved as well as more recent events that Dillon needed to understand. He opened the door to find Adams standing there. For a moment the physician looked like he was going to turn him away.

"The marshal needs to rest. I know you helped to save his life out there, but right now is not the time to get him riled up. I can't let you see him."

Doc stood in front of Arlo like a mother bear protecting her cubs, but the trail boss wasn't about to leave without clearing the air between himself and Dillon.

"Listen Doc, I have known Matt a lot longer than you, or anyone else in this town come to that. I think he will see me. Go and ask him."

Doc wasn't used to being made to back down, especially by someone he hardly knew, but there was a fire in the man's eyes and a force in his voice that made him turn and go check on his patient.

ooo000ooo

Matt wanted to be standing on his own two feet when Arlo entered the room. It would bring a sense of normalcy to the situation and make them equals. Reluctantly he had to settle for being propped up on a few extra pillows that Doc provided. He waited a moment for the pounding in his head to settle down before nodding to the physician.

"Send him in, Doc. Now is as good a time as any."

"You don't have to do this, Matt." The physician was genuinely concerned for the health of his patient's mind and body.

"Yes I do."

Arlo entered the room, carefully closing the door to the outer office behind him. The two men looked at each other but did not speak. There was a chair next to the bed, and after the moment of silence had passed Arlo sat there and extended his hand.

"Matt?"

It was a few seconds more before Dillon raised his own to grasp it.

"Arlo."

Dillon looked at the man. He was strong and self-sufficient. Someone that Kitty could depend on. Someone who would be home every night to put his arms around her, protect her. One question was burning in his mind - one he hated to ask. Eventually he managed to get it out.

"What's going on between you and Kitty? Doc said she spent a week with you going to look at land in Colorado. Is she going back with you?"

Arlo could feel the blue eyes boring into him as if Matt was trying to will the answer he wanted.

"No, she isn't." Arlo had removed his hat and placed it on the bed. Now he turned his eyes to meet the marshal's straight on, "I wish she was. I wanted to ask her to, believe me, but I didn't. Somehow she let me know that I shouldn't. Not in words, you understand, just that there was something, or someone, in the way."

There was an uneasy silence. Neither man was used to discussing feelings or personal emotions as private as these, but Arlo was determined that somehow he was going to have his say, if not for himself, then for Kitty and also, he supposed, for the man in the bed. He had once called Dillon an ungrateful whelp - or maybe worse. Perhaps both of them were remembering that.

"Things have never been easy for us, Matt, but now I figure the score is about equal."

"I don't try to keep score."

"It was a long time ago. I was barely 21 and you were almost fifteen. I knew you didn't like me, and I thought of you as an annoying, arrogant brat. Still I did go out of my way to get you that job at the Circle G. I did it so you would have some money to help your Ma. Good jobs were hard to come by then, and old man Giles paid better than most. I thought you would be grateful for that and I would have something over you. After all I was the ranch foreman. Pretty good achievement for a boy of my age, or so I thought."

"Do we have to go back to that Arlo - it's best forgotten."

"I have come here and I am going to have my say one way or another. You'd barely been working there for a month when you came and told me that Elgin Giles was stealing cattle from his neighbors. I guess I knew something was going on, but didn't want to admit it. I was the ranch foreman earning good money and courting the boss's daughter. You told me in no uncertain terms that you didn't want to work for a cattle thief. I called you all kinds of an ignorant, ungrateful kid as you rode off. I thought you'd never be back, but about month later there you came, one dark evening, telling me that the local sheriff and a group of deputies were coming to arrest Giles and his crew, and if I was smart I would leave before that happened. Just as well I took your advice, they hanged Giles, and all his men got prison sentences. I guess I thought I owed you something after that, but I never met up with you again 'til I started bringing cattle to Dodge. Somehow we never even spoke about it then. That's part of the reason why I went with Quint - I thought it would even things up between us."

"And the rest of the reason?"

"I figured if maybe you never came back, I could ask Kitty to come with me and she would. I needed to know what happened to you so I could tell her for sure. Then I saw how much she cared for you, and knew that there was no way I could ever make her completely happy, even if you didn't come home."

Again a silence separated the two men. Matt had to ask the other question that was haunting his mind, the one question he had no right to ask. He took a breath.

"You and Kitty were together a whole week. Did she…did you and she…?"

He left the question hanging in the air, he wanted an answer but at the same time dreaded what it might be. Arlo could have said nothing and made the marshal put his thoughts into words, but he didn't.

"No, we never did. Not that I didn't want to, but somehow she avoided it, something was there that made it not the right thing to do." He paused to let what he had just said sink in. "Why did you lie to me, Matt? Why did you say there was no one special in your life? After all these years you flat-out lied to me, that's not like you."

Matt leaned across to the table beside the bed and picked up the tin star that had been laying there since Quint returned it to him. He turned it over in his fingers as he spoke.

"As long as I wear this, I can't allow myself a permanent relationship with any woman."

Arlo could really get angry with Matt over how he had treated Kitty. She was willing to give so much, and in return he thought she got very little. He had nothing to say.

"Why did you ride out with Quint? It would have been better for you, and maybe Kitty too, if you had left me out there to die. You could give her much more than I can."

"Oh don't go there, Matt, that is just self-pity talking. You can't make those decisions for any woman - especially Kitty Russell."

"Even so, she would be better off with you. You can give her a home, maybe a family, stability. She wouldn't have to wonder if you were going to make it home safely every night."

Arlo cut him off

"Don't try that excuse, Matt. That is her choice to make, not yours." He stood up to pace the small room. "She made her decision a long time ago, and if you try to change it that will just hurt her more. It's not the absence of marriage vows that hurt Kitty, it's when you pretend you don't really care." Arlo was standing looking down at him, green eyes burning with anger.

"I can't let people know how I feel. That would put her in harm's way. This badge doesn't give me a lot of room for relationships."

Arlo turned the chair so he could straddle it, he was now more at Dillon's level but those eyes had lost none of their fire. "What's happened to you, Matt? You always used to stand up for truth and honesty. How can you lie to me, lie to yourself, and most of all lie to Kitty? Let me tell you something, all those nights on the trail I spent bringing you home, you'd be running a fever and thrashing around in your sleep, rambling on about killings till I thought that every Comanche within a day's ride would hear you. Then you'd start calling for Kitty. Somehow, in your mind, she always found you because in a little while you would calm down and sleep. That was when I really knew that I had no chance."

"Have you finished?" Matt was feeling tired, but more than that he knew there was a lot of truth in Arlo's words.

"No I haven't, you need to hear me out for your own good."

Johnson got up from the chair one more time and walked towards the window. He stood there for a moment looking down at the street and all the inhabitants going about their everyday business. He turned back to face the marshal, placing one hand on the foot rail of the bed. Matt waited, it was as if he was facing a hired gun, all he could do was wait for the man to draw.

"Ever since we were kids, you considered it your duty to take it upon yourself to do whatever needs to be done. You never let anyone share the load. You just kept trying to prove that you had the toughest fists, the fastest draw, and the strongest guts of anyone around. Maybe it's because you had to stand on your own feet from such an early age, but a man can't live his whole life like that. Sometimes there are things you can't fix by yourself. Maybe there are some lives you can't save. You have to accept that you are not responsible for all the bad stuff that other men might do."

Matt had looked away. Despite the fact that they had never had a close relationship, this man knew him well - better and longer than most. He looked back.

"So what is your advice? I should marry Kitty and all will be well?"

"Nothing like that. Kitty doesn't need you to marry her. She just wants you to be honest with her. Give her the love she deserves. She loves you, Matt. You are the only man in the world for her and she is willing to wait for you as long as it takes, but she does need to feel your love, not your denial."

He stopped and looked out the window one more time, knowing he had one more thing to say. He managed to control his anger and lower his voice before speaking.

"I know you had it tough when you were a kid. Your Pa was gone a lot of the time riding with the Rangers, and then after he got killed you had to watch your Ma struggle to survive. Is that what makes you the way you are? Think about it, Matt. Bad things happened to you as a kid but you are a man now. You can't let those things destroy the rest of your life, or someone else's life. A woman has the right to her own choices. Do you think your Ma would not have married your Pa if she knew what lay ahead. She loved him for better or for worse, Matt, think about that. I remember her better than you do, I was older. She loved him and accepted the good with the bad. The badge he wore was maybe the bad part that she didn't like, but she married the whole man. That badge is your excuse," he stopped for a moment. Dillon was still staring at the star he was still holding in his hand.

"I know how badly you hurt a good woman. She never told me what had happened but I could tell you hurt her. It wasn't that piece of tin that caused her pain. It was something you did." He stopped again to let his words sink in. "I also know that she will forgive you. It will be tough for her, but she will do it."

"Have you finished?"

"Yes, I guess I have. I just want to make you stop and think, Matt. We never were close, and that won't change, but we are kin and I don't want to see you ruin your life. I have to go now - I've got a long ride ahead."

He picked up his hat with his left hand and extended his right once more. "Come by and visit sometime. Kitty knows where to find me."

Dillon hesitated then shook hands for the last time. He couldn't say anything. He heard the catch on the door click as Arlo Johnson left.

TBC


	16. Chapter 16

Decisions and Desires

Chapter 16

Kitty found herself alone in her room yet again. Doc had left about an hour ago and she was still turning over in her mind, the things he'd told her. He had been very careful to say that he was not trying to influence how she felt about Matt, or what future she should choose for herself. However he did explain that he considered it very likely that much of the marshal's recent "unusual" behavior could have a purely medical explanation, and that with a suitable amount of rest and what he termed "understanding" the man should make a full recovery, and return to being the person they all cared about. While not insisting, he had made it clear that he wanted Kitty to come and visit with the lawman before she made any big decisions.

She was sitting at the little table where they had talked. His words continued to echo in her ears - but on top of that she could still hear Matt's parting words from that fateful evening several weeks ago. She knew that if she went back to him there would be no certainty that everything would be smooth sailing in the future. Even Doc could not guarantee that. Eventually she decided the physician was right - she had to at least go talk to him, maybe not today, but she would do it.

ooo000ooo

When Dillon woke the next morning he was surprised to find that his head did not hurt, and he felt more alert and awake than he had in a long time. He sat up and pushed back the covers so he could put his feet to the floor. He found he could stand quite easily. For sure he could not have chased a bank robber down Front Street, but he felt surprisingly steady. Better still the violent images that had been running rampant through his head for the last few weeks seemed to have quieted. He detected the smell of cooking coming from the other room, and carefully made his way towards it.

Doc looked up from the stove where he was busy concocting some combination of meat and eggs in an old iron skillet. "Help yourself to coffee Matt, this'll be ready in a minute."

The coffee was worse than Chester's but he didn't complain. He was hungry and that was something he hadn't felt in a long time. Adams was relieved to see that his friend cleared his plate and looked around for more.

Dillon picked up his fork and waved it towards Adams.

"You know Doc, if medicine doesn't pay well enough I think you might get a job at Delmonico's as cook."

"Why you overgrown public servant! You just wait till you get my bill."

He would never have admitted it but he was relieved to see some of the old fire coming back to his friend's demeanor.

Matt became serious for a moment. He had been thinking about what Adams had been telling him. He needed to tell someone about his recurring nightmares. He dreaded doing it. Such personal discussions were not easy for him, but if it had to be done now was as good a time as any. Reluctantly he decided he would try.

"I guess if you have time I am ready to have that talk now, Doc."

"I kind of thought you might be."

ooo000ooo

Adams turned the lock on the front door of the office and both men retired to the back room. Doc knew it would be easier for Matt if they didn't sit face to face so he had the marshal lie on the bed while he took the chair for himself.

First of all he encouraged Matt to talk about his experiences with Ronnie Pickens, and how he found the murdered family and felt the pain of the boy who died in his arms. All the time he struggled to describe the things he had seen, Dillon stared fixedly at a spot on the ceiling. It was tough for him to say all those words, but he knew it was the only way to get the images out of his head. By the time he got to the point of burying Pickens sweat was pouring off his face and his heart was pounding.

Doc waited for his friend to recover from the effort of recounting the horrific scenes, then took his turn. Without going into too much detail, he explained how Kitty had felt all summer. How Matt's attitude had seemed to her, and how it was desperation and loneliness that had pushed her towards Arlo.

"Just to let you know Matt, I don't think any of that was deliberate on your part. I don't believe you would hurt Kitty for the world, but you let yourself get worn down by fever and by work. You didn't take care of yourself. Somehow you couldn't admit that you needed help to handle all those things, and the more you did, the more Washington put on you. Somehow you have to learn to draw the line. One man can't be expected to do everything."

Matt sat up and swung his feet to the floor. He put his head in his hands, running his fingers through his dark hair now damp with sweat.

"I guess I really messed up, Doc. Do you think she'll still talk to me? Are you going to let me get out of here so I can try?"

"Tomorrow maybe. Last night you barely had any fever, and you slept much better. If you do as well tonight I'll turn you loose. I'll tell you something else. You are nowhere near ready to go back to work. I took the liberty of sending a few telegrams of my own. As far as your boss is concerned you were badly injured while chasing the Tanney gang. There will be a deputy marshal arriving in another day or so and he will be here for three weeks, so you have some vacation time to plan."

"But Doc…."

"That's my condition for turning you loose. No arguments. For now you need to rest. I have calls to make, probably won't be back before dark. I'll have someone bring you lunch. Oh one last thing, I am curious. Arlo is related to you somehow, I can see it in him."

"Our mothers were sisters, so I guess that makes us cousins. It seems I have always known him, but we were never very close."

Doc gave a non-committal grunt, and passed his hand over his mustache. Many things made more sense now, he thought as he started to re-stock his medical bag. When he had everything he needed for the day, he reminded Matt to rest as he headed for the door.

Surprisingly, for the first time in months, Matt found he could relax and close his eyes without fear of what visions might invade his mind. He had no idea how long he slept.

TBC


	17. Chapter 17

Decisions and Desires

Once again I would like to thank all the guests that left such kind and thoughtful comments. I hope you enjoy the final chapter. LB

ooo000ooo

Chapter 17

Kitty took her time getting prepared. If things had been normal between them she would have rushed up to Doc's the minute they brought Matt back to town. But things hadn't been normal for quite a while, and she felt unsure of what was going to happen between them now. Doc had given her specific instructions. Try to forget that evening when everything had fallen apart between them, remember the good times they had had and focus on that. Take some lunch to share, and lock the door behind her when she got there.

She picked a blue outfit that she knew Matt liked and had done her hair in a simple style - he always liked it when she left it down. She had asked Sam to fetch a picnic basket from Delmonico's. It should be downstairs by now. There was a strange feeling in her stomach as she descended the stairs to the saloon. As she expected, the basket of food was waiting ready for her, but just before she picked it up an idea occurred to her, and she went back to the stock room and selected a bottle of wine.

Sam watched her. His gentle eyes smiled to her conveying a message more sincere than any words could say. She acknowledged his expression with a brief nod. The barkeep never knew exactly what had happened between his boss and the marshal, but he really wanted them to be back together. That was just the way things were supposed to be.

ooo000ooo

Kitty felt the butterflies rising inside her as she climbed the stairs to Doc's office. She had never been afraid of the man who held her heart, but it had been a long time since she had spoken to him, and the memory uppermost in her mind was still that final evening before he had left. She needed to put that behind her, think of a pleasanter time. That was what Doc had told her. Her hand was shaking as she reached out to open the door to the office, and she chided herself for letting her emotions run away with her. There were only two possible outcomes to this meeting, one good and one bad, and mostly there was not a lot she could do to influence that. She could not bear the thought that Matt might no longer be a part of her life. If that happened she could not stay in Dodge. Her life would change drastically.

She carefully placed the basket on the table then, just like Doc had told her, turned the lock in the door and placed his sign in the window saying he was out making calls.

At first she thought that Matt was sleeping. Her eyes skimmed over the muscular body lying on the bed. She could see the fading remains of a bruise on his face, but even that didn't spoil his looks. She wanted to jump in there beside him, but Doc had said to take it slowly.

He stirred and opened his eyes. Relief flowed through her. She could see the man there that she had not seen in weeks - the man she used to know.

"Welcome home, Matt," she said, almost a whisper.

His face lit up in a smile, and he opened his arms towards her.

"Come and lay down with me."

"You think I should?" she questioned.

"Yes … Please," he added feeling a little guilty, "There's a lot I need to say, and it's easier laying here. Doc showed me that, earlier today."

Tentatively she climbed onto the bed and gradually moved closer until she felt his hand take hers. Slowly she relaxed. There was a familiarity that was quickly coming back to her.

"There's a lot I need to say to you, Kitty," he repeated. His eyes were searching for the same spot on the ceiling he had found earlier while talking to Doc. Emotions and feelings were not easy subjects for him to handle, especially since he knew that he had seriously hurt the woman he loved. Somehow he had to apologize, and to explain himself. She started to say something.

"No, don't talk," he told her quietly as he carefully squeezed the fingers he was holding. His thumb began to move gently over the back of her hand. Small soft circles that helped her relax.

"I treated you pretty badly this summer. Doc told me some of what I did, but I guess there is stuff that only you know. I remember part of it, but it is all kind of disjointed in my head. It was like I was someone else. Everything just played out in front of me, and I couldn't stop it. I am sorry, Kitty. I don't know why it happened. Somehow I got so wrapped up in my work that I had no time for anything else. I wanted to be with you because I thought it would bring me peace, but it never did."

His voice faded for a moment, and she felt his hand tighten on hers. She waited for whatever was going through his mind to pass.

"There were bad things going through my head, Kitty, but I shouldn't have allowed them to make me treat you the way I did. Doc says they will fade with time, and I will learn to live with them. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I was totally wrong to use you like that, but at the time I couldn't stop it. I tried blaming it on Washington for sending me out of town so often, and then on all the cattle drives that came through. I even blamed Chester for leaving me alone even though I knew that the move was the best thing for him. I guess I even blamed you, and everyone else except myself. I should have asked for help, or turned down a trip or two. I was so deep in it I couldn't find a way out."

There was silence for a while. Eventually Kitty decided to break it.

"Is it my turn now Matt?"

He squeezed her hand gently. They were still lying side by side, both staring up at the ceiling.

"Yes," he said simply.

"Doc told me you had a fever much of the summer. He thinks some of what you went through was due to that. Mind you that is not an excuse for your behavior. You should have got help, and don't tell me there was no time. I'll be honest, you did hurt me, I didn't know what had happened between us, and I thought you were going to leave me. In a way you did."

He turned on his side to face her and slid his arm under her, pulling her closer to him.

"Can you forgive me, and will you take me back?"

He ran his free hand over her hair, then pulled her face closer for a soft, gentle kiss. As their lips parted he leaned back so he could look into her eyes,

"Kitty, I am so sorry, Sometimes I wonder why you wait around for me."

"I wonder that too, but I see something that draws me to you - badge and all."

"Arlo said something like that."

"Does he have anything to do with this?" She wondered what had passed between Arlo and Matt. "There was never anything more than friendship between us, Matt. Yes, I did spend a week with him, but we never got past friendship. Nothing ever happened between us."

"I know, Kitty, he told me that too."

He smiled that soft grin that invaded his whole face. She had not seen it in months, and it melted her heart.

"He's a lot like you, you know. He likes the open spaces, and doesn't like to talk too much, but he is kind and gentle and wants to make someone happy. I would say he is more than just an old friend."

"You're right, we're cousins. We were never really friends, just got thrown together by circumstances. I was surprised that first time he came to town with a trail herd. I hadn't seen him since we were kids. He wanted to tell everyone how we were related, but I persuaded him that 'old friends' would be better for both of us."

They lapsed into a comfortable silence. For Kitty it felt good just to lie next to the familiar body and feel his warmth. She wasn't sure that either of them were ready for anything more right now. Eventually she suggested that they eat lunch. She told him that she had brought a basket from Delmonico's and maybe they should go and see what it contained.

The food was good. Kitty hadn't been able to find any suitable glasses for the wine in Doc's office so she poured it into two of the old white coffee mugs that hung by the stove.

They had already consumed most of the bottle, and Matt felt relaxed enough to explain a plan he had been putting together in his head.

"Doc tells me I have three weeks of vacation coming. Perhaps we could do something together. Maybe get on the Santa Fe and ride to the end of the line."

She laughed. "You need a little alone time first, then maybe we can go to Denver or New Orleans. That would be fun."

"I know something else that would be fun. Doc said he wouldn't be back till evening and that old bed of his is quite comfortable."

Maybe it was the wine overriding any objections that were still in her mind, or maybe she had forgotten already about the events of the summer, but she wanted to be with him now, just as much as he wanted to be with her. Somehow, sitting here at the table in Doc's office, eating lunch and laughing, had put both of them back in their old roles.

He reached out and took her hand, leading her to the bedroom.

"You sure you're up for this, Cowboy?" Her voice was soft and smooth, almost seductive.

"Why don't we find out?"

End


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